


Heart Beats

by KO5, someonesingingalong



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-05
Updated: 2018-05-02
Packaged: 2019-02-10 18:54:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 20,001
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12918111
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KO5/pseuds/KO5, https://archiveofourown.org/users/someonesingingalong/pseuds/someonesingingalong
Summary: When words fail, music speaks. And if you listen closely, you'll hear heart beats. Collection of one-shots.





	1. new year's day

**new year’s day // taylor swift**

 

_please don’t ever become a stranger whose laugh I could recognize anywhere_

 

_-_

 

There’s something about a morning stroll in December. The barren trees, the crisp air, the anticipation of a new beginning, a clean slate. It’s refreshing. 

 

Kelley hasn’t let go since they left. She clings to Hope for extra warmth, even if it’s not quite cold enough for her to complain. It’s more of an excuse to hold on, to touch; it’s completely selfish but Kelley doesn’t care because the smirk making its way onto Hope’s face is worth it. Kelley’s weight gently pressed against Hope offsets their walk, turning it into a casual sway. It slows them down, but neither of them mind. They like taking things slow, today more than ever.

 

The holidays have arrived- colder weather, stringing of lights, and family gatherings. Kelley at the annual O’Hara Christmas gathering in Peachtree City; Hope at her mother’s in Richland. It’s always a good time returning home, but if they had it their way, they’d spend the rest of the season on the couch, only getting up to put more wood in the fireplace or to pay the pizza delivery boy a tip. Just the two of them alone, one day. But for now, tradition calls and Hope’s flight leaves far too soon. 

 

They haven’t talked about it; they don’t normally talk about it. In fact, they’re used to the long distance. In the beginning, they would let their feelings pour out in a chaotic manner. They didn’t know how to deal with all the excitement, the thrill of becoming acquainted. They would stay up all night, mesmerized not just by each other but the what ifs and ridiculous plans that would allow them to spend just one last minute together. But when they became so much more than either of them bargained for, when the cravings became a secret affair, the what ifs began to have consequences. They soon realized that the longer they stayed up and talked, the more they yearned in a heart wrenching way that resulted in Hope abruptly sneaking out before their time was truly over. So now, they don’t talk. There’s no point dwelling on the inevitable, so they let actions speak louder than words, and spend the little time they have left carefully knitted together. 

 

They turn the final corner, making their way down the same street as Kelley’s apartment. Kelley only lets go to free Hope’s hands so that she can reach into her pocket and take out the key. 

 

“I’m thinking coffee, eggs, and Grandma Alice’s cinnamon rolls. How does that sound?” Hope asks, jostling the door with her trembling hands.

 

“Add another cup of coffee to the end of that sentence, and I’m in.” 

 

“Deal.” 

 

“So what’s the special occasion?” Kelley watches as Hope finally pushes the door open. 

 

“Breakfast is important.” Hope shrugs.

 

Kelley watches as Hope opens her mouth to speak again, and groans playfully, “Forget I even asked.” 

 

“You know, breakfast is-”

 

“The most important meal of the day, I know, I know.” Kelley finishes for her. “I’ve heard your lecture one too many times.” She furrows her brows in a thoughtful manner, imitating Hope’s smooth and confident voice, “A good breakfast prepares you for the day It kickstarts your metabolism, gives you a significant boost of energy during the day…blah-de-blah-blah…”

 

Hope just stares, a smile creeping onto her face. “I know you’ve heard my lecture. I just like when you try to impersonate me.” 

 

“Try?” Kelley’s brow arches. “I think I do a fine impression, thank you very much.” 

 

“You’re cute.” Hope’s words tease. 

 

Kelley waves her away, taking her jacket off and hanging it on the coat rack. On the way to the kitchen, she observes, “That was nice being out for a bit. I feel like I needed that breath of fresh air.”

 

Hope hangs her coat next to Kelley’s, murmuring an inaudible agreement. Following Kelley, she tells her, “I’ll quickly get the coffee started, but I need to pack a few things before breakfast. You know, once I’m all packed and ready to go, you won’t have to leave the house for fresh air.” 

 

Kelley feels her actions come to a stop. She lets Hope’s words sink in, stunning her in the process. She quietly leaves the kitchen and for the first time that morning, she feels a chilly nip in the air. 

 

-

 

Hope carefully pours two cups of coffee. Leaving one mug on the kitchen counter and cupping the other in her hand, she makes her way upstairs. She cleans up her dresser and her half of the closet, stealing one or two of Kelley’s hoodies. While they may be apart, Hope makes sure she’s never truly without the security and comfort of the younger woman. She organizes the rest of her belongings, so that the only thing she has to do later is throw everything into her carry on. Her mug now empty, Hope returns to the kitchen to prep breakfast, but instead finds a still very full, but now cold cup of coffee in front of her. 

 

Frowning, she leaves the kitchen and searches for Kelley until she finds her alone in the living room. “Kell, your coffee is ready.” 

 

Kelley responds quietly, “Oh, right, thanks.” 

 

“It’s cold.” Hope points out, trying to draw Kelley further out of her thoughts. “Do you want me to heat it up?” 

 

“I can do it myself.” 

 

Hope sits down, concern filling her voice, “Hey, you okay?” 

 

Kelley finally turns to face Hope, acknowledging her presence and offering a weak smile. “Yeah, I’m good.” 

 

Hope knows Kelley well enough to know she’s keeping something from her. Her quiet replies are out of the norm; something’s wrong. Being their last day with one another, Hope has her suspicions. She lovingly intertwines their fingers, “It’s only for a month.” 

 

Kelley looks down at their hands before removing her hand in a gesture that Hope tries not to feel so bothered by. She remains uncharacteristically quiet. Hope tries again, “Was it something I said?” 

 

Kelley knows it’s not fair to leave Hope desperately searching for answers. She begins to express her feelings, even if it’s against their rules. A whisper barely leaves her mouth. “I don’t want you to leave.” 

 

Hope knows when Kelley’s pushing, her eyes grow round with longing and her hands tucked to her sides. She knows better to let this continue, but she echoes, “I don’t either.” 

 

“You sure about that?”

 

Hope’s surprised by the nature of Kelley’s question, how it feels like it’s rooted in a place of accusation. Offended, but still put off the same, she stutters, “Of…of course.” 

 

Kelley’s eyes meet hers with the truth. “Hope, sometimes you act like you’re doing me a favor by leaving. Like my life is going to get better if you’re not here.” Her emotions strangle her and Hope’s stare burns. “But you’re not doing me a favor. When you’re gone, things aren’t better.” 

 

“So, it was something I said earlier?” Hope’s trying her best to follow. 

 

“Fresh air, seriously?” Kelley lets her reservations roll out on her tongue, “It’s not like you’re suffocating me.” 

 

Hope’s not quite understanding why she’s so upset. She reassures, “You know I was joking.” 

 

“Maybe you are.” Kelley’s shoulders drop, “But maybe you aren’t…don’t you see? I’m going to miss you, Hope.” Kelley all but cries in desperation. She doesn’t know how she can be clearer. 

 

“Hey, I’m going to miss you too.” Hope intertwines their fingers again, this time kissing the back of Kelley’s hand, long and steady. 

 

Kelley feels at ease by Hope’s touch, but her feelings are unsettled more than ever. “I worry a lot about you.” 

 

“Me?” 

 

“You don’t give yourself enough credit. You put yourself down. You don’t see yourself like I see you, like I love you.” There’s no stopping Kelley now.  

 

“I told you I was joking!” Hope exclaims in defense. She justifies, “Look, you know that I don’t actually mean half of my side comments. You’re over thinking this.” 

 

“I don’t know. What if all those thoughts are adding up? It’s dangerous for you.” 

 

“Well, I’m not letting them add up.” Hope begins to feel like the distance between them on the couch isn’t enough. 

 

Kelley seems to notice as well and makes the effort to diffuse the tension. Now, it’s her turn to take Hope’s hands into her own. She calmly replies, almost apologetically, “Forget it. I shouldn’t have brought this up, with this being our last day together. It’s really not a big deal.”

 

Hope shakes her head, standing up. Her thoughts turned rampant, the consequences of them starting a conversation finally catching up to them. Crossing her arms in a habit of defense, she points out, “No, this is kind of a big deal. You clearly have an issue with this, and I think we need to settle it. I wasn’t trying to say…I can’t just…” She pauses to let out a huff. “I don’t want to do this! I don’t want to feel accused about something I didn’t even intend. I can’t do this if you’re just going to leave me hanging.” 

 

“What?” Kelley stands up, leveling herself with Hope. 

 

“You left me in the kitchen. You don’t say a word, but you just leave and expect me to find you.” 

 

Kelley watches as Hope reduces into a frenzy of emotion. She knows the former keeper’s been working on controlling that, but it still frustrates Kelley to no end. She can barely get a word in. “I didn’t-”

 

“We can’t start conversations with you walking out on me like that.” 

 

“Like what?!” Kelley exclaims, “Like how you walked out on your marriage?” As soon as the words leave her mouth, guilt consumes her. She regrets her harsh words as she watches Hope’s guard shoot up. Silently shaming herself and doing her best to gain Hope’s contact, she murmurs profusely, “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. I’m so sorry, Hope.” 

 

“I’m not upset.” Hope’s response is quick, almost too quick. 

 

Kelley’s not sure how to interpret it, so she nods, “Okay. I’m not upset either.” 

 

“Okay, good.” 

 

“Good.” 

 

-

 

Hope brings down her carry on, much to Kelley’s relief that it’s nothing more than that. They hadn’t talked much for the remainder of the day with Kelley sitting on the floor of her bedroom, silently watching Hope carefully pack her belongings. Before they knew it, Hope’s ride to the airport was on route and they waited together, wishing and begging for more time. Kelley lays with her head against Hope’s chest and their legs intertwined. She could stay there forever. 

 

She thinks about late night summer games and how Hope travelled to see them play as often as she could. She thinks about how she’d wait patiently just outside the stadium with chocolate milk and a portion of fries from her favorite Jersey diner. She thinks about how Hope spent all autumn with her, how she all but moved in. Not just one dirty dish, but two in the sink. Not just a bed to herself, but a bed to share. Hope’s belongings are scattered everywhere; Hope’s everywhere.

 

Kelley frets at the idea of losing Hope. They were finally at a stage in their relationship where they might just work out, where they could see themselves settling down together. At first, it was all fun and games. Then, it became boundaries and secrets. Now, they faced something of much greater value- love and commitment. 

 

Maybe this is why it feels like there’s so much at stake. Kelley can’t lose Hope now, not when they’ve come so far. There’s a long road ahead of them, but it was one she wanted them to walk together. Kelley needs Hope to know- she’s in this for the long run.

 

She speaks up softly and wholeheartedly, “I’m happy. I really am, okay?” She somehow manages to bury herself even further into Hope’s embrace. She breathes, “I’m not going anywhere. I love you, Hope.” 

 

The conviction behind Kelley’s voice sends a wave of yearning through her. She rests her head upon Kelley’s, kissing her head of hair, “I love you too.”

 

A soft roar of an engine becomes detectable and car lights shine through the living room windows. Kelley leans against the wall, holding herself from latching back on to the taller woman. She watches as Hope takes her carry on in her hand, and usually there’s just one last look and Hope’s gone. But this time, Kelley can’t hold back any longer. 

 

“Wait, Hope.” Kelley tugs at Hope’s jacket with force, taking a fistful of her clothing and twisting it in a desperate grip. 

 

“I have to go.” Hope whispers, placing her hands on Kelley’s sides. 

 

Kelley hugs her once more, leaning up so only Hope could hear, “Promise me you’ll come back?” 

 

Hope holds the younger woman close, knowing that the grip Kelley had on her stemmed from a place of reservations and insecurities. She leans down to let their foreheads touch and they hold on to each other like they’re holding on to life itself. 

 

Before she lets go, Hope promises- she, too, is in this for the long run.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm new on tumblr, so come say hey! @someonesingingalong


	2. make me better

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just wanted to say thank you to everyone who's taken interest in these little stories. Whether it's on here or tumblr, I appreciate your feedback and love. Thinking about posting weekly- happy to write for you. Cheers xx

**make me better // james blunt**

 

_you are everything I have never been_

 

_-_

 

Kelley rolls over, inwardly groaning at the exhaustion coupled by the minor aches and pains. She’s never been so tired in her whole life. She tries not to think about the sleepless weeks, or even months, ahead. She hopes her mother is right. _It will be worth it._

 

She squints at the morning light, cursing the early sunrise. Before her eyes close and she returns to rest, she’s drawn towards two pools of blue, wide and filled with curiosity. Hope’s gaze stares intently at the space between them- or rather, the tiny invader of space. Kelley looks at the time, it’s not even 7 am, and she immediately shoots Hope a look. The fact that she’s in such a state of concentration is beyond Kelley. 

 

“It’s a boy.” 

 

“Mmm?” 

 

“Kelley,” Hope speaks slowly, but firmly. “It’s a _boy_.” 

 

“Yeah…” Kelley’s not sure if she’s hearing right or if the exhaustion is doing the talking. “Do you want a prize or something?” 

 

“I had a 50/50 chance of getting it right.” Hope’s tone is calculating. 

 

“Well the odds were in your favor. Congrats.” Kelley’s beginning to get perturbed. She just wants to sleep. 

 

“It’s a boy!” Hope all but exclaims, sitting upright with her heart leaping out of her chest. 

 

Kelley’s startled, and so is the small bundle between them. Kelley panics, but relaxes when the squirming stops. Close call. She glares at Hope, now fully awake. 

 

Hope’s voice returns to a hushed whisper, “What kind of food do you think he’ll eat?” 

 

“Excuse me?” 

 

“Do you think boys need more protein? Or is it carbs? Or do you think equal amount should suffice?”

 

It dawns on Kelley what Hope’s rambling is suddenly all about. She sits up to match her wife’s behavior, “Oh my god. It’s a _boy_.” 

 

“Right?” Hope confirms, and then meekly points out, “We don’t know anything about boys.” 

 

“We know nothing…” Kelley breathes, echoing her sentiment. 

 

Hope peruses her mind for examples, “We’ve only been around women, mostly, you know the team.” 

 

“Right, the team.”

 

“And sure, you have Dad and Jerry.” 

 

“But they’re completely useless.” Kelley admits. 

 

“How much?!” Hope raises another concern. “How much do you think he’ll eat? We should probably calculate proportions now so it’s easier to track when he gets older. We’ll have a food diary of some sorts. I heard they eat way more during the teenage years. We’ll have to go to the grocery store like twice a week.” 

 

A small smirk eludes Kelley’s lips as she watches unnecessary knowledge and concern race through Hope’s mind. She can’t help herself. Almost too theatrically, she points out, “We’re going to be poor!” 

 

“College!” Hope’s eyes widen by the second. “We should’ve started a savings account as soon we we learned you were pregnant. That’s 9 months we wasted, the interest could’ve been…what’s the percentage of him getting any other scholarship other than merit?” 

 

“He should be able to nail a sports scholarship.” Kelley thoughtfully replies.

 

“Not should, _needs_ to get a sports scholarship.” Hope corrects. She pauses, her voice becoming low, “Oh my god. What about the talk?” 

 

“The talk?” Kelley struggles to keep up, fixing the blankets around her waist. She might as well get comfortable if she wasn’t allowed to sleep. 

 

“You know, when he comes of age, and starts asking questions about…down there and all that.”

 

“Down there?” Kelley’s brow raises, stifling laughter. 

 

“This isn’t funny!”

 

“Well, it’s probably not going to humor you when I saw that I never paid attention in health class.” Kelley recalls her high school days, fond memories coming to mind. 

 

“I did, of course, but I don’t remember it all! And certainly not their half of the picture. I can tell you how to use a tampon.” Hope offers. 

 

“Not helpful.” 

 

Hope leans on her elbow, sinking into the mattress. Her eyes drift towards their son, “Just look at him!” She gestures with her free hand, “He thinks he’s being all cute, but he’s clearly plotting against us.” 

 

“I wonder if there’s juvie for babies. What kind of visiting rights do you think we’ll get?”

 

Hope’s too distracted to care about Kelley’s insensitivity. “Boys vs. girls. It always comes back to gender inequality. I’ve always been vocal about closing the gender gap. I hate men. Does that mean I’ll hate him too? I’m destined to hate my son…and he’ll hate me too.” 

 

Hope’s words are incomprehensible at this point, a blur to Kelley, mostly due to lack of sleep. She yawns and concedes, “You’re right. We aren’t cut out for this.” She eyes Hope, genuinely curious about what she thinks is a good solution, “What are we going to do?” 

 

Hope meets Kelley’s eyes, seriousness setting in. “Kelley, we have to return him. We have to give him back. I’ll look up the hospital’s phone number.” 

 

Kelley watches as Hope reaches for her phone, and quickly tugs her arm back. She’s laughing wholeheartedly now. 

 

Hope frowns, “Why are you laughing? I told you this isn’t funny.” 

 

“Hope, stop. Calm down.” Kelley manages to speak in between laughs. .

 

“The sooner we call, the better chance the return policy still applies.” 

 

“Hope, look at me. Deep breaths.” Kelley inhales and exhales herself. She can’t believe how out of control their conversation had turned, how Hope could use logic and reason in such an illogical manner. She tells her slowly, “There’s no such thing as a return policy. Not for children.” 

 

Hope opens her mouth, but words fail to escape her as she lets the truth soak in. Kelley looks down, sweetly cupping their baby’s tiny head and moving away stray pieces of light, brown hair. Kelley continues, “You’re right. We don’t know a lot, but we’ll figure it out. We always do. Yeah, my Dad and Jerry are hopeless, but you’re forgetting we have my mom and your mom. They’ve raised boys. The food thing will be easy, too. In the beginning, it’s all that disgusting mashed stuff. Then we’ll have eons until he’s a teenager and at that point, we just hide the leftovers.” 

 

“And college?” Hope asks. 

 

“If him kicking my insides for the past 9 months is any indication of the kind of athlete he’ll be one day, I know he’ll get a sports scholarship. Plus, I’d like to think we have some pull in the sports world. We turned alright, didn’t we?” Kelley smiles cheekily. “And if you’re worried about the whole coming of age talk, that’s what school is for. If he comes home with even more questions, then that’s what google is for. See? No need to worry.” 

 

Hope looks at Kelley with all the wonder and love she can possibly gather in the moment. She stares at her wife in awe, noticing her own rapid decrease in heart rate. She murmurs, “How do you do that? How can you be so calm?’ 

 

“Well, one of us has to be.” 

 

Hope is reminded again of how fortunate she is, and how important Kelley was. She couldn’t live without the younger woman. “You’ve always been my better half.” 

 

“And you, mine.” Kelley leans over, giving Hope a quick peck. 

 

Hope’s eyes divert down, her deepest thoughts beginning to surface. She whispers, “What if he still hates me? What if I’m not cut out for this?” 

 

“Now those are questions irrelevant to gender.” This time, Kelley reaches over and intertwines her hand with Hope’s. She squeezes it lightly, an act of affection and support. She doesn’t know why she has to keep telling Hope this, but she’ll spend the rest of her life reminding her if she has to. “Hope, you’re going to be an amazing mother. Regardless if our children are boys or girls, they’re going to be so, so proud of you. Now please, let us rest.”

 

Kelley’s words feel like a blanket of security, leaving Hope speechless, but internally satisfied. As Kelley curls back into the pillows and blankets, Hope snuggles closer to their most prized possession.

 

Hope suddenly whispers loudly, “What if we crush him?” 

 

Kelley’s on the brink of sleep, she replies wearily, “We won’t.” 

 

“What if I roll over and forget he’s there?” 

 

“Go to bed.” 

 

There’s a pause, but by the sound of Hope’s breathing, Kelley knows it’s not over. Hope states, “One last thing.” 

 

“Hope…” Kelley groans, her eyes flying open to glare at the former keeper. 

 

“Just thank you.” She swells up with gratitude. Hope likens the warm, fuzzy feeling inside to pure love, which she never truly experienced until this part of her life, until this very moment. She feels whole, complete, lacking nothing. “Thank you for letting me in.” 


	3. let it go

**let it go // james bay**

 

_let the ashes fall, forget about me_

 

-

 

It’s complete chaos at first. Sudden gasps followed by hushed murmurs spread throughout the crowd. Some players lunge forward shouting urgent requests. Trainers and medical staff spill onto the field before there’s even a sound of a whistle, not that such a sound could be heard amidst the shuffling of feet and emphatic conversations. 

 

A solid ten minutes pass and it’s hard to believe that the stadium everyone currently occupied was the very same one just moments ago. It’s so quiet that you could hear a pin drop. The crowd falls silent, but their expressions speak volumes. Players are huddled in various places on the field. Trainers and medical staff have doubled, equipment included. 

 

Kelley doesn’t care if she’s in the way. She’s appalled by the subtle noise level in the stadium because to her, it’s so freaking loud. All she can hear is Hope and the piercing cry that she let out as she grasped her shoulder and fell to the ground. That noise continues to vibrate every fiber of Kelley’s being. She didn’t even know it were possible for someone to make such a noise, full of immense pain, and she knows she never wants to hear it again. 

 

She feels a pair of hands on her shoulders, but she doesn’t budge. She can’t move, not now. She watches until she begins to feel sick, and finally gives in to being lifted from her knees and gently guided away. As Alex carefully lead her away, Kelley can’t help but notice Carli and Becky walk by, taking her place from before. They finally come to a stop and Alex hands her a water bottle. She takes one sip before pouring the rest down her neck, shocking her back to focus and washing away the trauma. No one’s really into the game after that. 

 

-

 

Kelley’s the first to sprint off the field at the final whistle. When she runs through their locker room and reaches the training center, she instantly recognizes the signs telling her that things aren’t quite right. 

 

The first sign is no sign at all. Hope’s nowhere to be found. Normally, she’s on her feet, holding an ice pack against her shoulder and telling the trainers that it’s really not a big deal. She’s usually convincing them that she’ll be brand new in no time and that it was a mistake to have taken her out of the game. She’s well spoken and forward, clearly pushing limits- partly because she thinks it’s fun and partly because she’s so damn good at it. 

 

But not this time. Kelley stands in an empty room until she hears voices coming from a private medical bay just down the hall. She impatiently waits to the side, tuning in to caretakers whispering remarks and observations beyond her scope. She notices their entire medical team disperse and exit the bay- thankfully, because she wasn’t going to wait another second before going in. But just before she takes another step, she pauses. What she sees in front of her brings her to an immediate halt. Hope lays still on the examining table and despite her presence, Kelley’s never seen her look so small. 

 

The second sign is visible in the tears that brim Hope’s eyes, eclipsing their usual shine. It’s indicative of a storm brewing against a bright blue sky. Only once has Kelley ever seen Hope cry, and even then, she pretends it never happened. 

 

The third sign follows shortly. It’s in the way Hope hesitates as she opens her mouth, like she’s paralyzed by fear itself. She swallows bravely, but the beginning of her sentence falters from the heavy emotion plaguing each other. 

 

“I…I can’t…” 

 

Kelley inches impossibly closer., but she holds back because she’s not sure how to react. They’ve never been a situation like this before, so helpless. She eventually settles for moving a couple stray stands of Hope’s hair to the side, an act of care and comfort at its best. She stares, yet Hope fails to make contact with her. She’s too busy concentrating on staring up at the ceiling, and Kelley knows it’s to prevent any more tears from escaping. It’s Hopes way of hiding her pain and at first, Kelley wishes that Hope would just let go in front of her- succumb to the pain because she has every right to- but as soon as she does, Kelley’s not sure if she can endure it any longer. Hope’s body shakes from the tears and her voice trembles as she so bravely admits the truth. 

 

“I-I can’t f-feel m-my arm.” 

 

 

Time stops. 

 

Kelley’s lightheaded. Thoughts bounce freely from what if to what if.  Opportunities are shot down. Possibilities build them back up. Staff bark orders over phones. Footsteps of teammates create a stampede in the hallways. Sirens are closer and louder. 

 

The future changes each second.

 

Time picks up where it left off. 

 

-

 

“I can’t feel my arm.” 

 

Hope repeats again and again, with each time becoming more concrete than before. It only makes things more real- so real that Kelley’s done staring at the hauntingly still limb hanging loosely at Hope’s side and decides to grasp her other arm, the one fortunate enough not to be plagued by years of aches and multiple surgeries. Kelley intertwines their fingers because it’s the easiest and only puzzle she knows how to solve in that moment. 

 

Hope feels her. She grips so hard that her knuckles turn white. She feels Kelley and she holds on tight. She holds on to support, security and every little bit of normal she might have left. 

 

-

 

“Hope? Where is she?! Hope!” 

 

His voice booms over everyone. 

 

“Where is my wife? Where is she? Hope?!” 

 

Kelley knows it’s him. She recognizes his voice instantly; it’s not one she easily forgets. She immediately lets go of Hope’s hand, severing their connection. She falls back into the lone chair in the corner of the room, lowering her head. She can’t bear to watch, even if Hope needs her more than ever in this moment. It’s the first time in their secret affair that she’s selfish.

 

Everything in front of her swirls into a blur. Kelley does everything in her power to tune it all out, but his voice carries. It’s full of worry and concern, as it should be. She’s suffocated by his presence until it comes time for her to leave. Family members only. Kelley lifts her head, her own tears teasing to steal the show. She meets Hope, whose head is turned to her. 

 

Her eyes offer a glazed compassion before she’s wheeled away. 

 

-

 

The chaos begins to dissipate and settle. Everyone seems to mind their own business, falling into their post match routine. Kelley returns to the locker room, showers, and packs her belongings. They all pile onto the bus and return to their hotel, only for Kelley to settle in the discomfort of the lobby. She plants herself on one of the couches with her phone in her lap. She looks at it restlessly, willing it to light up with some news. She doesn’t even know why she does. There won’t be an update, at least not for her. 

 

“Hey.” 

 

Kelley’s startled out of her obsession over her small device and looks up. Her friend greets her gently. 

 

“Some of us have plans to go out later tonight. Want to come with?” Alex informs her.  Kelley shakes her head and Alex presses again, “You sure? We’re just going to grab some food.” 

 

“Not hungry.” Kelley murmurs. 

 

Alex sighs and sits down next to her friend. She places a hand on her shoulder and says, “I know you’re worried. We all are.” She pauses in hopes that Kelley might speak, but receives silence in return. She continues, “I spoke to the trainers. They don’t believe it’s permanent and mentioned something about the pinching of nerves. I know you want to wait for news, but perhaps going out tonight will take your mind off things and-”

 

“I said I’m not interested!” Kelley cuts her off, abruptly distances herself from Alex’s comforting hand. It’s clear she’s not in the mood to talk. 

 

“But Kelley…” Alex says her name with good intention, trying her best to show her support. She almost opens her mouth again, but when Kelley finally turns and looks her straight in the eye, Alex can’t find her words. She notices Kelley’s features etched with frailty and weakness, and she backs down. Kelley’s pleading with her in a clarity she’s never seen before. _Don’t you understand? Don’t you see?_

 

Alex nods and leaves, but only momentarily as she finds her way back. Kelley’s about to object, but Alex beats her with a stern voice. “We’re going for a walk.” 

 

Kelley trudges behind her, but not without making sure her phone is secured in her pocket. She gives in because she doesn’t feel like fighting with such a small amount of energy, but as soon as the evening air hits her face, she gains an ounce of strength. She keeps up with Alex as they walk side by side, aimlessly. Alex understands that she doesn’t want to talk, but more than anything she wants Kelley to know that she’s there if she needed her. They aren’t more than two blocks from the hotel when Kelley stops dead in her tracks. She can’t bear it any longer. She hates not knowing. She hates feeling restricted. She hates being without her. 

 

“If I go, I won’t be allowed to see her.” Kelley finally opens up, “But if I don’t go, I’m going to lose it.” 

 

“I’m sure you could find a way to be let in and visit her.” Alex tries to reassure her, “If she’s still in the hospital by the end of the week, the whole team plans on going as well.” 

 

“But I need to see her _now._ ” Kelley crosses her arms, tucking herself away from all the uncertainty and anxiety. “When she needs it the most. I have to see her and tell her that it’s going to be alright. I can feel how scared and helpless and small she is. I can just feel her, Alex.” 

 

Alex watches her friend crumble before her, barely managing to get any other words out. There’s a fierceness to Kelley’s tone that makes her realize that this is so much more than the injury itself. A lot of people had their suspicions, but Alex would bet her entire life savings on the two of them. Hope meant a lot to Kelley, and whether she knew it or not, it was destroying the younger woman nevertheless. 

 

Alex doesn’t know what else to do but to bring her friend in for a tight embrace. Kelley breaks, her words muffled, “Alex, I’m not allowed.” She speaks louder with devastation, revealing the cruel reality she lived in. “I’m not allowed to be with her.” 

 

Not another minute go by before Alex calls a ride and they’re on the way to the hospital. She leads Kelley to the waiting room for a forced kind of closure, but it’s as far as they can go. It’s the one thing he couldn’t deprive Kelley of, just being there in support. Kelley feels guilty for making this suddenly about her, but this thing between them can’t be contained. It never could be. When you love someone, you can’t help but wish to take all their pain away. You’d do anything for them- and Kelley’s not allowed to do that, to be what she wants to be, for Hope right now. It frustrates her to no end that she’s so deprived, that she can’t do the one thing that every human being on this earth is entitled to: love. 


	4. all i want

**all i want // kodaline**

 

_but if you loved me, why’d you leave me?_

 

_-_

 

The mountains are visible from almost every seat in the stadium. She found that out herself when it became her after practice routine to leave the field for some time alone in the empty seats. She moved from section to section everyday, basking in the hushed sighs of the wind and the treacherous skyline towering over her. Looking out, she felt small. But that wasn’t a bad thing. She felt small, but empowered. It was one of the few places she could hide from the pressure and expectations she unrealistically set forth for herself. She stayed out there until it felt easier to breathe again, until she fully decompressed. It took longer some days than others, but overall, it was a truly beautiful stadium. Overall, Kelley was happy with her decision. 

 

While she knew section numbers by heart, finding her way behind the scenes was more of a challenge for her. Despite pre-season coming to an end and their inaugural match just a week away, the facility was as brand new to her as it was the first day she arrived. She was thankful for the space, but the long hallways and interconnecting rooms left her lost on more than one occasion. It also didn’t help that last minute construction and finishing touches were still underway, leaving many rooms unlabeled and signs half done. 

 

Kelley stepped over sheets of tarp and empty paint cans to get to her locker where she quickly cleaned out her belongings for the day. The main exit appeared blocked for construction work, so she attempted to detour elsewhere. After wandering aimlessly, she started to walk in the direction of voices, in hopes they would lead her to some sort of exit to the back lot. Upon turning the corner, she ran into a couple of figures. Harvey, Becky, and one person she hadn’t expected at all- one person she knew all too well. 

 

“O’Hara…” Harvey greeted her with her thick accent, something that Kelley’s still getting used to. Becky stood by her, eyes widening. 

 

Kelley ignored her coach, her line of sight narrowing on just one person alone. Her name fell off her lips like it was some sort of old habit, “Hope?” She didn’t mean for it to sound as eager as it came out. 

 

“Kelley,” Hope is fully turned around now. A smile growing bigger by the minute, she let out a soft,“Hey.” 

 

“What a surprise.” Kelley lamely replied. She wasn’t sure what else to say; she was too worried about keeping her body’s fight or flight symptoms in check. 

 

“A good one, hopefully?” Hope stepped forward. 

 

Kelley’s eyes immediately glanced downwards at her actions. There was a moment of hesitancy, and without her permission, she’s suddenly much closer to Hope- so close that it would’ve been strange if she didn’t form some sort of connection. Her words finally caught up with her as Hope pulled her in, “Yeah, yeah…of course.” 

 

Kelley could’ve stayed there forever, but knew how dangerous it could be. She gently pulled away, her heart pounding and yearning for more in protest. She acted as platonic as she was capable of. “Are you here for long?” 

 

“Just for the weekend.” 

 

Before Kelley could come up with reasons as to why she wasn’t informed about her visit, Harvey interrupted. “Becky and I were just about to give Hope a tour of the new place. Care to join?” 

 

Kelley nodded; it wasn’t like she could say no. That would’ve been weird- and also the start of a conversation with Becky that she did not want to have. She knew Becky had her suspicions, most people did, but Kelley hoped to keep it at that. She was always one to keep things private and whatever complicated thing she had going on with Hope at the moment proved the utmost importance of doing so. There had been times that she wanted the support, but she knew that the more people involved could make things a whole lot messier. Plus, she didn’t feel like she owed anyone an explanation. 

 

Kelley trailed behind, keeping her head down most of the time. She paid no attention whatsoever to what Harvey pointed out nor the questions that Hope asked. She felt Becky hovering beside her and she would’ve been more annoyed if she hadn’t been so distracted by the immense craving she felt- craving for Hope’s touch. It had only been a month since Kelley saw Hope last, in San Diego where they honored her for reaching 200 caps. Maybe the celebration was taken a little too far. Maybe it was the extensive amount of time they had gone without talking to one another. Maybe there was a little too much alcohol involved. But they quickly became reacquainted with each other, and whether it was a mistake or not was something they never got around to talking about. All Kelley knew was that everything had felt so natural that it was hard to let go and forget. They fit together, it was as simple as that. Always have and always will.

 

“Hello, Kell?” Becky’s voice increased in volume, “Kelley?” 

 

“Hm, sorry, what?” Kelley blinked a couple times in an effort to return to reality. 

 

“Are you around tonight?” 

 

Kelley stole a quick glance at Hope, unsure as to where Becky was heading, “Uh, I think so?” 

 

“Good. Come over.” Becky explained, “Hope’s staying with me for the time being and Harvey and I thought we’d have some sort of gathering with everyone at my place.” 

 

“Oh…with the rest of the team as well?” Kelley processed. 

 

“Well, whoever can make it, yeah.” 

 

“Right, okay.” 

 

Hope confirmed, knowing very well there was so much left to say between them. “So I’ll see you later?”

 

“See you.” Kelley put on a smile, acknowledging Hope one last time before parting ways. She acknowledged her like they didn’t have so many loose ends from the last time they were together. She acknowledged her like they were still good friends and couldn’t take being apart another second longer. She acknowledged her in every normal way possible. 

 

But normal wasn’t something they do. 

 

Kelley, with her spontaneous outlook on life, good intention, and whole heart that beat strongly for Hope. 

 

Hope, with her carefully calculated thoughts, sincerity, and wit that drew her closer to Kelley. 

 

It’s what made them so interesting, this lack of normal. 

 

It kept things challenging. They thought in silence more than they talked it out. They spent far too much time creating problems and far less time reconciling them. In a web tangled with miscommunication and uncontrollable emotions, they hurt each other. 

 

But it also kept things exciting. They thrived in secrets and risks. They loved intensely and endlessly. They gained the sense that maybe- just maybe- they belonged together because in the grand scheme of things, they somehow completed each other. 

 

-

 

They danced around each other all night. Hope stayed close to Harvey and busied herself with anything that Becky needed help with. There wasn’t much preparation or cleaning up to do, so often Becky would shove Hope back towards the crowd telling her to just relax, to enjoy herself. She jumped in and out of conversations, but not without keeping tabs on Kelley. She tried to be discrete about it, but she couldn’t help herself. Kelley was just one of those girls at the center of it all, hard to miss. Hope was captivated and she knew she couldn’t hide it. 

 

Kelley knew it, too. No matter who she mingled with, which teammate she tried to distract herself with, she could feel Hope. She might as well have been beside her. Kelley was on her third beer; she was usually one-and-done during season, but tonight was different. She was in the same room as the woman who was a mystery to most everyone else, but she herself could read like an open book. But tonight, the roles reversed. Tonight, she needed the alcohol to mask the fact that she had more questions than answers. 

 

Kelley entered the night with no expectations. She thought it’d be rather easy to lay low. It was a simple gathering and her territory after all. But the moment she walked in the door and locked eyes with Hope, she felt compelled by her wants and needs. She wanted Hope to begin- or really just continue- the conversation. They couldn’t ignore something like this, even if it meant reaching into the past- something Hope solemnly swore she’d never do. Now, Kelley was down to her last ounce of beer, and felt like the room was everything but on fire. The blush that crept on her face every time she caught Hope staring had turned into a growing rage. Kelley hated the way Hope made her feel by just looking at her. She felt scrutinized, but more so obligated and expected to be the one to begin things again. Kelley didn’t want to give in, but if she didn’t do something, Hope would leave her in the deep end of her daunting blue pools for the rest of the evening. It was time for her to tread waters, to gain back control. So Kelley took one final sip, thought screw it, and released her inhibitions. 

 

“Can we talk?” Kelley approached her, crossing her arms and nodding towards the back door. She added in a hushed whisper, “Alone?” 

 

Hope instantly set her drink down and without a word, she placed her hand at the small of Kelley’s back, guiding her out back. Collected, calm, and daring, she was absolutely still in control. 

 

-

 

_Kelley rolled over to an empty mess of sheets. Her heart began to sink until everything had come into focus again. Hope sat on the edge of the bed, facing away from Kelley._

 

_“Hope?” Kelley spoke softly. After no response, she propped herself up and inched closer. Placing a soft kiss on her shoulder, she asked, “You alright?”_

 

_Hope let out a heavy sigh, gently resting her head against Kelley. “I don’t know.”_

 

_“Do you want to talk about it?”_

 

_“There isn’t anything for us to talk about.”_

 

_Kelley disagreed. Sitting back and giving each other space, she ignored Hope, pleading, “I don't regret this.” Hope stayed silent. “It’s what we both want.”_

 

_Hope finally turned around to face Kelley. Her eyes filled with turmoil. “How do you know that?”_

 

_“Just look at us!” Kelley motioned before them. “Look where we are. Look where we always end up! Doesn’t this mean something to you? Do I mean anything to you?”_

 

_“Kelley, don’t.” Hope bluntly interrupted. Looking down, feeling guilty and knowing Kelley was right, she took hold of Kelley’s hand. “This is exactly what I didn’t want happening.”_

 

_“Us?” Kelley’s voice cracked._

 

_“No, not us…I just…” Hope paused and took a deep breath. “When we talk, things get bad. Things get complicated. And I don’t want that right now.”_

 

_“Talking doesn’t always have to be a bad thing.”  Kelley attempted again._

 

_Hope shook her head. “Can we just agree that nothing happened between us tonight, okay? We need to draw a line, for now. Just…for now. Can you agree to that? For me?”_

 

_Kelley knew that Hope was far from being fair. She shouldn’t ask her that when they were both so vulnerable. But Kelley could never say no, not with the way Hope looked at her as if she were her life line. Kelley would take any opportunity to save Hope, to protect her and whatever it was between them. She quietly surrendered,“Okay.”_

 

_Hope placed a soft kiss against her lips, reluctantly parting after a moment. “I should go.”_

 

_“No.” Kelley’s eyes shot open, her hand gripping Hope hard. “Don’t leave. Come back to bed.”_

 

_Hope looked around. Disheveled clothes thrown in all corners of the room, half the sheets on the floor. She didn’t have the energy to search for her belongings, but the bigger truth was that Kelley’s magnetic field was far too strong. Hope let her pull her back in until they were once again wrapped up in each other’s embrace._

 

_Hope stayed awake for some time. She weighed options and entertained ideas that would get them both out of this mess. She couldn’t determine a solution, but sunlight would break soon, so she held on to the younger woman, and to the one thing she was certain of. “I love you, Kelley.”_

 

_Little did she know that was the solution._

 

_Little did she know Kelley had been awake too._

 

-

 

“What are you doing here?” Kelley broke the silence. 

 

Hope looked around Becky’s back porch, taking her time to settle down on her small porch swing. “Do you want to sit down?” By the tone of Kelley’s voice, this wasn’t going to be  a short conversation. She figured they’d get comfortable. 

 

“I want you to answer my question.” Kelley sounded agitated, not keen on putting up with Hope’s secrets tonight. 

 

“I’m here to visit Harvey.” 

 

“Bullshit. Cut to the chase, Hope.” 

 

“Whoa, calm down.” Hope was surprised by Kelley’s slight animosity.

 

“Well I’m being serious!” 

 

“So am I?” 

 

“You know what I mean.” Kelley stressed, finally taking a seat next to her. “Come on, Hope. Tell me the truth.” 

 

Hope knew she owed this conversation to Kelley, and if they were to be constructive whatsoever, she needed to put in more effort. She finally admitted, “Well, I wanted to see how everything was going with the team. You know, the expansion, the transition for some of you…I just wanted to see if you were settling in alright.” 

 

Kelley finally had her answer. So it was about her. She quickly interjected, “I’m settled in fine.” 

 

“Right, good…” Hope nodded. 

 

“Is that supposed to mean something?” Kelley’s brows arched, knowing Hope wasn’t finished. 

 

“No?” 

 

“Your tone, Hope.” 

 

“I’m checking on you, I guess, that’s all!” Hope exclaimed. 

 

“Why?” Kelley shot back, becoming more confused by the second. She couldn’t understand their relationship. “Do you think I need checking on? Do you think I’m not okay?” 

 

“I never said that.” Hope’s eyes widened, feeling attacked. Lowering her voice and hoping to lower the tension as well, she lowered her voice. “I just know trades can be difficult.” 

 

“Well this is a great opportunity for me.” 

 

“Again, I never said it wasn’t. What’s going on, Kelley?” Hope tried to search for answers in Kelley’s eyes, but she wouldn’t even look up at her. They sat in silence again until Hope relented gently, “I just needed to see you.” 

 

Kelley finally met Hope’s eyes, her voice aching with emotion and painful memories, “Why?” 

 

Hope felt an ugly feeling sit at the pit of her stomach, finally realizing that she’d never be able to give Kelley an answer. Instead, she turned the tables, deflecting all signs of what she thought were weaknesses, and perused, “What are you doing here, Kelley?” 

 

“Me?” Kelley’s taken back, “What are you playing at, Hope? They proposed a trade, and I agreed. I moved her for a change in scenery, to clear my mind and all.” 

 

Hope studied Kelley, knowing there was far more than that. She wasn’t the only one hiding something. She repeated sternly, “No, what are _you_ doing here?” 

 

“Fine, I’m here because of Harvey and Becky. I…I want to learn from them both.” Kelley stuttered, lacking confidence. “Are you happy now?” 

 

“No, I’m not.” Hope pushed her limits. 

 

“Jesus, Hope, what else do you want me to say?!” Kelley lost it, her voice getting louder as she stood back up. “Do you want me to say that I’m here for you? That Harvey and Becky were huge reasons for me moving here because I knew that they’re close to you? That maybe I’d get the chance to see you again? Because there you have it, Hope, that’s the truth. It’s embarrassing and it freaking hurts me to be honest with you, but not as much as I’ve been hurting without you.” 

 

Hope was stunned, staring at Kelley’s chest as it moved up and down, each breath struggling to keep up. She admitted, “I didn’t know…I thought…why didn’t you say anything?” 

 

“Because I wanted to respect you! You were so clear with me last time, Hope. I had to respect that if I had any chance with you at all.” Kelley’s emotions ran wild. She hated that Hope could just sit there while she did all the pining. Tears brimmed her eyes as she told her, “I’m here, Hope. I’ve always been here.” 

 

“So am I.” Hope stood up, grasping Kelley at her sides. “I’m here, too.” 

 

“Then why is this so hard?” Kelley leans her head against Hope’s chest, losing energy quickly. She’s sick of fighting. “Why can’t we be together?” 

 

“I’m working on it.” 

 

“You keep saying that, but I don’t know if you mean it.” Kelley pointed out as she pulled away, taking a small step back. She reasoned, “Do you need something from me?” 

 

“I…” Hope is at a true loss of words, silently berating herself for digging themselves deeper into the ground. 

 

“I love you.” Kelley urgently professed. She thought long and hard, trying to resolve whatever doubts and insecurities that might be plaguing Hope. “Is that what you need to hear? Did you really mean it that night? I know I didn’t it say it back, but I thought you may not have wanted me to hear it…and by the next morning, you were gone. But Hope, I really do. I love you too.” 

 

Hope hung her head in shame, her core shaking from Kelley’s profession. She murmured, “I know you do.” 

 

“Has something changed since then?” Kelley asked nervously, biting her lip. 

 

“No.”

 

Kelley’s voice shook, the air suddenly getting chiller around them. “Then why’d you leave me?” 

 

“I wish I had an answer for you.” 

 

Kelley felt her chest tighten, despite the relief she had felt from telling Hope how she felt. Bitterly, she accused, “This whole time, you let me think that you left because I didn’t say-”

 

“I know, okay! It’s messed up. I’m sorry.” Hope groaned, “We shouldn’t have started this. We should’ve let this go a long time ago.” 

 

“But you love me!” Kelley was bewildered. “Why won’t you say it?” 

 

“Stop, you’re getting close to the line, Kelley.” Hope warned, hushing her. 

 

“You crossed it by coming here!” Kelley exclaimed, just loud enough for heads to turn from inside the house. 

 

“You’re the one who agreed to play for Utah!” 

 

“Oh, so I’m supposed to put my career on the line for a person who can’t even tell me how they really feel?” Kelley rolled her eyes, scoffing, “You’re really something, you know that right?” 

 

“Damn it…” Hope ran her fingers through her hair in desperation. She pleaded, her tone the most raw it’s been all night. “You think I like doing this to you? You think I don’t stay up all night praying that things were different, that I was different? I just don’t know. That’s all I have for you, Kelley. My home life is a mess, my career is a mess…you and I are are a mess. But the thing is, I can run away from home, from the game, but I can’t from you.”

 

Right there, Kelley wanted to shake all the sense in the world into Hope. She wanted her to know that no matter what, she could never get rid of her. She took a step closer, refraining with every fiber in her being not to touch her because if she did, they’d fall right back to the beginning. She trembled, “Y-you…make it so hard to love you.” 

 

“I can’t stay away…please, Kelley, I just can’t.” Hope pleaded, her heart leaping out of its cage. 

 

“Why can’t you just admit it again? I don’t want to forget. I want to hear you say it, to me, face to face.” Kelley took Hope’s hands into her own, not able to resist the proximity between each other. “Admit that you have feelings for me, that what we have is real. Admit that you don’t want this to end. Admit that you want me. Admit that you _love_ me.” Their hands were fully intertwined now. “It’s that easy, Hope. Admit it now and I’m yours.” 

 

Hope looked down at their hands and how they held their future together. She thought long and hard, and in that moment, Kelley thought she just might’ve gotten through. But Hope felt the darkness loom over her and she couldn’t risk it. She couldn’t subject Kelley to this sort of life. She already knew her answer wouldn’t suffice. “It’s not that easy.” 

 

Kelley instantly let go, her fears confirmed. She backed away, looking for strength that seemed so far out of sight. She shook her head, “I can’t do this.” 

 

“I’m sorry I can’t give you more, but you have to hear me out on this.” Hope begged, her heart breaking as Kelley moved further away. 

 

“No.” Kelley stood her ground. 

 

“Kelley, don’t-”

 

“No! You don’t!” Kelley shouted, anger seething throughout her blood. She cried, “This is not my fault. Don’t put this on me, don’t make me feel like I’m not giving us a chance. It’s in your hands, Hope. But I can’t wait my whole life for you. I deserve so much more.” Kelley eventually found her way to the door, placing her hand on the door knob. “I need to get out of here.” 

 

“Kelley-” Hope put her hand out to stop her, but it’s too late. Kelley disappeared back into the house. It’s the first time Hope truly ever felt alone. 

 

Kelley moved past groups of people, Hope’s voice echoing through her head. She’s done a decent job keeping tears from free flowing, but the way Hope had said her name made her heart yearn more than it’s ever before. It would take a long time to heal, if at all. She finally found Becky, quickly informing her, “I’m going to call it a night.” 

 

“Already?” Becky looked down at her watch, noting the time. 

 

“Yeah.” 

 

“Everything alright, O’Hara?” Harvey stepped into the conversation, reading Kelley’s rushed mannerisms and sense of urgency. Kelley hung her head without a response. Harvey sighed, placing a comforting hand on her young defender, whispering, “She’ll come around. Give her time.”

 

“We’re done, Harvey.” Kelley locked eyes with her coach, adamant that she couldn’t afford to feel this way again, that she somehow needed to learn to stick up for her own self. 

 

Becky finally caught on, turning her head to see Hope’s figure sitting alone on her back porch swing. She cursed silently before turning to Kelley, “I’ll walk you out.” 

 

The pair of long time teammates walked until they reached Kelley’s car. Before letting Kelley go, she took hold of her shoulders and looked her straight in the eye, “You aren’t done. You got that?” 

 

“We are, Becky.”

 

“No, you’re not.” 

 

Kelley let her emotions consume her. “I’ve waited so long…but for what? To be treated like this? To draw the short stick every damn time? I can’t handle this anymore. It’s going to kill me.” 

 

“Hang on, please. You’re too good for each other that you can’t let this go.” 

 

“Jesus, Becky, what is this? You’re supposed to be the voice of reason; you’re supposed to tell me that it’s okay to move on. Thanks for believing for us and for following me out here, but this isn’t up to you.” 

 

Becky sighed, “You’re right, I know. One day, kid. You two will figure it out. One day, she’ll follow you and she’d be standing here instead of me. Everything will be easy, perfect, and just so…”

 

“Normal?” Kelley finished her sentence. 

 

“Yeah,” Becky smiled, “Exactly that. Normal.” 

 

Kelley got into her car, Becky’s words striking her hard. She pounded the steering wheel out of frustration, eventually leaning her head against it in defeat. The tears had returned. 

 

Because normal wasn’t something they do. 


	5. taxi (I)

**taxi // exes**

_elevate my heartbeat_

_-_

The neon lights from the local bar reflect onto the streets outside. The cool weather isn’t unusual for January, but the occasional gust of wind makes it feel like the temperature is dropping by the minute. Hope’s hands shake as she ends the call on her phone and returns it to her back pocket. She clasps her hands together and brings them to her mouth, blowing hot air in a poor attempt to remain warm. She regrets not grabbing anything else but her oversized sweater- usually, she stays out long enough to the point of overheating in an overcrowded bar, but tonight she’s turning in early. She lets out a yawn that turns into a visible puff of cold air and realizes that camp had been more exhausting than she originally thought it would be. She knows the first one of the year is always tough, with fitness tests and all, but Hope feels her. The influx of younger players isn’t necessarily a bad thing; they have pushed them all in different ways. Their team is getting faster and stronger each day, and while they still struggle to find chemistry, Hope is certain they’ll make significant progress in no time and be an even better team than the one in Vancouver. They have to be if they have any chance at earning another star.

 

Hope looks at her watch; it’s a quarter past ten. Her ride back to the hotel should arrive within the next five minutes, but she can barely keep her eyes open. They just about flutter shut when she hears a door swing open followed by a stumble of steps. She’s mildly annoyed that she’s not alone anymore- she doesn’t have the energy for a conversation- but when she turns around, her expression softens. She can’t help it (she never can).  

 

“Hope, hey!” It’s Kelley, face flushed with a nearly empty drink in hand. She walks over and Hope feels her energy roll off in waves. She stands up a little straighter.

 

“Hey.” Hope greets in return. A part of her knows it’s just in Kelley’s nature to be so approachable, so likeable. But another part of Hope wonders if there’s intention behind her actions. She wonders if her younger teammate purposely seeks her out; it’s more often than not that she finds the younger woman lingering around her, even if it’s just for a small fist bump or an exchange of looks. This thought alone is enough to make her palms sweaty. It shouldn’t, but there’s always been a lot of should nots between them. Should not have been roommates. Should not have been friends. Should not have left the after party in London, alone. Should not be alone tonight.

 

“Where are you running off to?” Kelley asks, her eyes widening with an idea. “Wait no, I want to guess. Let me guess! Don’t tell me!” She grips Hope’s arm, as if her alarmed tone wasn’t enough.

 

“Okay…” Hope says slowly, more concerned by Kelley’s hands and their potential to wander. She knows from experience.

 

Kelley lets go though and brings her hand to her chin in a classic pensive look. Hope smiles at her dramatics, completely oblivious to the fact that Kelley’s actually serious about whatever game she’s trying to play. Hope doesn’t mind though; it’s killing her wait time.

 

“Oh, I got it!” Kelley’s on her toes now, taking a step closer to Hope without actually touching. “You’re going to a coffee shop!”

 

“Yeah,” Hope’s on auto-pilot, completely distracted by the distance (or lack thereof) between her and the shorter brunette. She quickly corrects herself, “What? No, Kell, what coffee shop would be open now?”

 

“Well, I don’t know…I’m close though, right? You’re getting coffee, but at one of those gas stations, right?” Kelley shoots her finger guns, making some sort of clicking noise with her mouth.

 

Hope stares at Kelley in disbelief. Sometimes it’s hard believing she graduated from Stanford. She reasons, “Kelley, why would I be getting coffee this late? It’s ten at night. Where do you think I’m going?”

 

“Ahhh, yes, yes…I know exactly where you’re heading. It’s that place we all came from. You know, it’s like home but sorta not really home. There’s a bed with pillows and complimentary breakfast in the mornings and those really nice old men who greet you every time you enter or leave. It’s called, uhm…oh gosh, don’t tell me, it’s on the tip of my tongue…”

 

“You’re joking right?” If it weren’t Kelley, Hope would’ve walked back to the hotel by now. Where was her damn ride?

 

“Don’t tell me! I almost have it!” Kelley pauses shortly before giving up, “Okay fine, I give up. It’s too hard.”

 

“A…hotel?”

 

“YES! That’s it!” Kelley’s eyes shine like a kid on Christmas morning, completely unaware of her drink sloshing all over the place. “Yes! Thank you! I knew it. You and I, Hope-” She points between them wildly, “We’ve always been on the same page!”

 

Realization dawns over Hope, she can’t believe how tired she was to miss this. Her response is flat. “You’re drunk.”

 

“Am not!” Kelley shoots her a look, taking great offense.

 

“Yeah, you are.” Hope bends down slightly, her suspicions confirmed as she gets a strong whiff of alcohol. “Give me that before you spill the rest of it.” Hope takes away her drink, grabbing her arm at the same time. “You’re going back inside before you wander off lost and it’s New Orleans all over again.”

 

“Hey, I was not that drunk that night! I mean, we had to do Abby’s sendoff justice.” Kelley tries to struggle free, but after realizing she’s no match to Hope’s goalkeeping arms, she grins stupidly. She kind of likes it. Hope rolls her eyes.

 

There’s _definitely_ intention.

 

Before Hope can drag her any further down the sidewalk, she sees an outpour of her teammates from the entrance to the bar. Alex is the first to spot them. “Oh, I found Kelley!”

 

“You guys leaving already?” Hope tugs at Kelley, bringing her over to the rest of the group.

 

“Well _someone_ got us kicked out.” Emily glares at Carli, standing next to a timid Sam.

 

“What karaoke bar does not have ‘Don’t Go Breaking My Heart’? Absolutely ridiculous. That’s a classic duet!” When Carli’s riled up, the team can’t help but pick on her. It’s amusing- and it’s good for her.

 

Becky smirks, “You’re just mad that we destroyed you guys at pool.”

 

“No, I’m not! We deserve a second challenge. I vote for darts, but oh no, Pinoe insists on karaoke and you listen! We wouldn’t be here if we just stuck with darts. We never listen to Pinoe! Why would we do that now?!”

 

Pinoe perks up from afar, hearing her name. “Keep your panties on, Carl!”

 

Sam speaks calmly, “It’s really, okay, Carli…I don’t mind. It was just one game of pool. We can come back another time and-”

 

“Are you giving up on me?!” Carli turns to Sam, sending her a look of betrayal. “We don’t give up. You understand? I’m tired and I want to be anyone else but here, but we’ve been challenged. We don’t give up _ever_.”

 

Pinoe shouts back, “Guys, quit the bitching. Let’s go! Alex and Allie found us another bar, just a couple blocks down.” The three of them begin to lead the way.

 

Hope sees a bright yellow taxi turn on the street (finally). “Oh, thank god. Guys, my ride is here. Take Kelley.” She gently pushes her forward.

 

Sonnet looks at them, confusion etched on her face. “She’s not going back with you?”

 

“Hey, that’s a great idea!” Kelley looks up at her, excitement building.

 

“No, it’s a terrible idea.” Hope cuts off Kelley. She tries not to overthink the fact that her teammate would think she and Kelley were leaving together. Hope walks towards the taxi, placing a hand on the door handle. She’s close to her escape, but she can already tell things are only going downhill from here. “I’m going straight to bed when I get back.”

 

“Now you’re talking.” Kelley winks, and Hope feels warmth rising to her face and she’s never been more grateful for the darkness outside.  

 

“Look, she’s drunk- like _too_ drunk- to come out with us anymore.” Becky points out, “Can’t you just make sure she gets back to the hotel in one piece?”

 

“Oh no you don’t…” Hope shakes her head, now opening the door of the taxi. “You cannot just leave me alone with her.”

 

“I’ll be good, I promise!” Kelley begs, her eyes widening almost to the point that Hope can’t say no.

 

“See? She promises, Hope!” Becky chuckles and then continues seriously, “Please just take care of her for us, okay?”

 

“Well of course I would.” Hope glares, resigning. She doesn’t know where the night is heading, but she also wants to find out. She beckons, “Okay, come on, Kelley.”

 

“Really?!” Kelley’s eyes shine as she skips over to Hope. She gushes, “You’re so kind.”

 

Carli is heard yelling at them to hurry up. Becky sighs heavily, “Okay we have to go before your best friend rips us a new one.” She fishes into her pockets, “Here’s our room key. I’m guessing we won’t be back or quite awhile. You can leave it at the front desk or I’ll probably just crash somewhere else. See you later!” She and Emily jog after the rest of their team.

 

“Bye.” Hope barely gets out, before realizing and calling out, “Wait, Becky, why would you crash somewhere else?! I’m not staying with her!” She hears distant laughter and lets out a heavy sigh. She’s about to step into the car when Kelley startles her.

 

“Curb! Curb!” Kelley’s pointing towards the ground at their feet.

 

“Yeah, I know.” Hope says, “Come on, just watch your step.”

 

“You watch your step.”

 

Hope gives her a stern look, “Get in the damn taxi, Kelley.” She grips the younger woman’s shoulders, guiding her in.

 

“Help! Help! I’m being kidnapped!” Kelley jokes, struggling against Hope’s touch until she’s well situated in the back.

 

Hope apologizes to the driver, “Hi, thanks for waiting.” She leans further forward and whispers. “If you can get us back to the Marriott on 6th street in less than twenty minutes, I’ll tip you extra.”

 

They begin to move and Hope notices Kelley fidgeting. She sighs, “Will you keep still?”

 

“You’re no fun.” Kelley frowns, frantically touching everything all at once to spite her seatmate in the back.

 

Hope yawns, “Please, I’m tired.”

 

Kelley now occupies herself with the little button on the inside of the door handle. The window slowly rolls down, and then up….and back down….and back up. Hope closes her eyes and silently prays for patience. She hears Kelley and by the sound of her voice, she already knows her eyes are bright with no good. “Oh! I want this to be like that one movie!”

 

“What movi--Jesus, Kelley! Get back in here!” Half of Kelley’s body is hanging out of the window, and she knows that if she doesn’t do something in the next ten seconds, their ride would include a visit to the emergency room. She reaches across the back seat to grab Kelley’s waist.

 

“This is _the dream_!” Kelley shouts, the cool breeze sending her hair in all sorts of directions. She frowns as she feels herself being reeled back in. “Hope…” She whines loudly, “Let me live for a few more seconds!”

 

“Sit down and I’ll let you live for the rest of your life.”

 

Kelley struggles for good measure. She looks down at Hope’s strong grip, and when she lifts her head, a smirk forms. “You can’t keep your hands off me, can you?”

 

“No, I cannot.” Hope watches as Kelley’s brows wiggle, teasing her. She almost laughs, but keeps it together because- well, she’s an adult.

 

“I think it’s nice.” Kelley’s cheeky smile is both irritating and cute.

 

“Well I think it’s necessary.” Hope rolls her eyes, freeing a hand to reach around Kelley and roll the window back up. Kelley responds by hovering a finger around the button, the window going back down. “Roll it back up, Kelley, I’m cold.” Hope feels the temperature of the taxi continue to drop.

 

“Well I’m h-o-double-t-hott.”

 

“Not funny.” Hope’s expression is serious. When Kelley fails to listen, she raises her voice, “Quit playing with that!”

 

“Okay, Mom.” Kelley sticks out her tongue in a childish manner.

 

“Don’t test me.”

 

“Fine, fine, I’m sorry.” Kelley puts her hands up apologetically, but there’s a spark of trouble still evident in her eyes. She clears her throat. “You can let go now.”

 

Only now does Hope notice her hands, dangerously placed at Kelley’s hips. She lets go immediately without a word and moves closer to her side of the vehicle. She looks out the window and feels warmth creep up her neck. She hopes Kelley doesn’t notice (oh but she does).

 

It’s quiet, but only for a minute. Kelley can’t stop playing with the zipper on her leather jacket and it’s not even that loud, but Hope hears it ringing in her ears. “Psst…psst…Hope?”

 

Hope reluctantly turns her head to the side, whispering, “Yes, Kelley?”

 

“Do you want to know a secret?” Kelley asks in a hushed whisper.

 

“No, but you’re going to tell me anyways, aren’t you?”

 

Kelley giggles, sharing, “I haven’t been this drunk since the World Cup.”

 

Hope knows it won’t do any good trying to convince her otherwise so she brings a hand to her chest, appalled, “No! The World Cup?!”

 

“Shhh! Shhh!” Kelley hushes her, moving closer to Hope. “Keep it on the down low! You can’t tell anyone.”

 

“Your secret’s safe with me.” Hope promises.

 

“Pinky swear?” Kelley adds.

 

“I swear.”

 

“No, Hope, _pinky_ swear?” Kelley emphasizes, bringing her last digit of her hand up in front of Hope’s face. It’s ridiculous.

 

“Kelley…”

 

“Come on, you gotta do it! You gotta!” Kelley whines until Hope can’t do anything other than hook their fingers together to shut her up. Kelley _literally_ has her wrapped around her fingers.

 

Kelley, of course, is far from done. She sighs loudly, and then again and again. Hope sees their hotel in the far distance; she just needs to last another five minutes or so. “Do you have something else you want to say?”

 

“Well, not really. It’s just…well, things were so different back then.” There’s a raw honesty underlying Kelley’s voice, and Hope wants to hear more.

 

“It’s only been a year.” Hope responds.

 

“Things were so good.” Kelley’s short statement makes Hope think. Kelley wasn’t wrong. They had been on top of the world- they still were, but in a different way. The road to Vancouver wasn’t an easy one, but when they arrived, it was like life had only just begun. They played like they never played before, and loved the game fiercely. They won, but they were hungry for more. They would have that chance to make history at Rio.

 

Hope peruses, “I know you’re drunk right now, but if we’re going to have this conversation, I’m going to need a little context around ‘things’.”

 

“ _Every_ thing. The tournament, the team, my role on the team-”

 

“Hey, you’ve earned your starting spot.” Hope cuts her short. She doesn’t understand why Kelley’s still second guessing herself.

 

“Sure. Maybe.” Kelley looks down, shielding herself from Hope’s intense stare. She asks timidly, “But am I ready?”

 

“You’ve been ready since London. You played every minute with me. I know, Kell, you’re a good player.”

 

“But the team is so different now. I just don’t feel connected to as many people as I did back then. I don’t know who I can lean on, both on or off the field. I can’t juggle a relationship outside my career. It’s too hard and I…I’m going to die alone.”

 

Hope watches Kelley’s insecurities unfold in front of her, escalating at a rapid pace. She knows she’s not exactly coherent at the moment, but she knows that these thoughts are coming from deep within nevertheless. She confronts her, “Whoa, slow down. You are not going to die alone.”

 

“How do you know?” Kelley stresses.

 

“Because…” Hope is careful with her next words. “Because you’ll have me.” The instant flicker in Kelley’s eyes makes her realize that she hadn’t been careful enough.

 

“Oh! Oh-”

 

“No-”

 

“-Oh! I have an idea.” Kelley scoots unbelievable close, her voice low. “If we’re both like 40 and still single, we have to get married, okay?”

 

“Yep, there it is.” Hope knew this conversation was inevitable, especially with Kelley in such a state. She plays along for the second time- somewhere along the ride, she’s given up on fighting all logic and reason. “Let’s elope in Vegas. That’s one everyone does!”

 

“That’s what I was going to say! I like it! Quick and dirty!” Kelley grins, and Hope’s breath hitches. “You know what, Hope? _You_ are my soulmate.” Hope can’t help but laugh, now that finger guns are involved. Kelley smiles, too, cocking her head to the side, “What’s so funny?”

 

“You are hammered.”

 

“I am not! I mean it, Hope, I really do. You’re my soulmate!” Kelley’s voice increases in volume.

 

Hope makes eye contact with the driver in the front, and he’s laughing with them. She shifts her look back to Kelley. “I’m sorry, Kell, but I’m kind of taken.”

 

“Only kind of?” Kelley tests.

 

“I’m very much taken.” Hope repeats, holding her hand up and pointing to her ring. “See?”

 

“Oh.” Kelley deflates back into the seat. She realizes, “So I am going to die alone.”

 

“No!” Hope wants to chuckle, but she keeps her tone at bay. “No, you won’t, I promise. You have me-as a friend,” She quickly clarifies, her eyes softening. “You will always have me.” Maybe it’s the way Kelley looks back at her or maybe it’s the sudden realization that their night was just beginning that causes her heart to pound against her chest, but she had spoken the truth. She meant every word.

 

“Thanks, Hope.” Kelley’s hands are now playing with the ends of hers sweater (Hope’s not at all surprised). “You’re pretty lucky, you know, to have found your soulmate.”

 

Hope just stares at Kelley. _She truly was._ But she finds herself telling her, “Marriage isn’t all that it seems, Kell.”

 

“No.” Kelley refuses to believe, “No, it has to be with you. Anyone would be so lucky to be with you.” Hope doesn’t know how to answer; she’s in no place, anyways. Kelley’s hands have ventured to her legs now. She swallows, “Your hands, Kelley.”

 

Kelley responds nonchalantly, “I know.” She winks. “Now, we’re even.”

 

Hope is wide awake now. The taxi driver announces their arrival and Hope quickly fumbles with cash in her wallet. She grabs Kelley’s hand, leading her up the steps and through the lobby. The elevator ride is incredibly long- Hope spends the entire time prying Kelley’s hands away. They really shouldn’t be left alone any longer.

 

Hope finally opens Kelley’s hotel room. She sighs in relief. They had made it back without any problems (yet). She busies herself with tidying things around the room, telling Kelley, “Get ready for bed.”

 

“Now you’re talking.”

 

Hope freezes, deciding no response is the best response. She continues around the room until she hears Kelley. “A little help over here?”

 

Hope turns around, and she realizes that maybe she shouldn’t have let Kelley get ready alone. She sighs, helping her take off her shirt. Hope _tries_ not to look, hastily tripping over a pile of clothes on the way to the bathroom. She fills up a glass of water and rummages for a bottle of aspirin. She returns and Kelley still doesn’t have a shirt on. Go figure.

 

“I can’t find a clean shirt.” (No shit, Kelley.) She looks at the items in Hope’s hands. “Are those for me?”

 

“What?” Hope can only stare before blinking back to reality, to responsibility. “Oh yeah, yeah…it’ll help with the hangover in the morning.” She puts everything down on the nightstand.

 

Kelley slowly climbs into bed. “Thanks for taking care of me, Hope.”

 

“You can thank me when you have a shirt on.” Hope turns around again, looking for a clean shirt- or really, a dirty one would do at this point. She hears Kelley climb back out of bed, and she feels her dangerously close.

 

“I don’t need a shirt.”

 

“You—you’re going to get cold.” Hope stutters. The minute she turns around it’s over.

 

“It feels pretty hot to me.” Kelley replies huskily, placing her hands on Hope’s hips. Now, she really can’t concentrate.

 

“F-found it! I found it! Here!” Hope whips around, taking the shirt and pushing it against Kelley’s chest.

 

Kelley doesn’t move, their faces only inches apart. She places a hand on top of Hope’s, still holding the article of clothing in place. “I’m not saying this because I’m drunk right now, but I love you, Hope.” She steals a quick glimpse at her lips. “Like a lot.”

 

“I…I know you do.” Hope barely gets out, amidst a swirl of responsibility, excessive pining, and desire. Hope feels Kelley’s touch fueled by the alcohol coursing through her veins; it commands her to no control. All Hope can think about now is that Kelley’s body is pressed up against her own and that she wants her- _sober_.

 

The t-shirt falls to the floor.


	6. taxi (II)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good news: you got an update a few days earlier! Bad news: this will be the last update for the next two weeks (KO5 is traveling out of country so it'll be hard to collaborate)

**taxi (II) // exes**

_maybe we could go back, do you wanna?_

_-_

Kelley squints with one eye open at the glare coming through the window. She knows Becky likes to get up at the crack of dawn every day, but she didn’t have to wake up the whole world with her. The least she could close the blinds. Kelley groans, grabbing the nearest pillow to shield her eyes. She tries to fall back asleep until there’s pounding at the door.

 

“Kelley, get your ass out of bed!”

 

“Come on, dude, it’s almost ten! I’m hungry!”

 

Kelley’s head perks up in the midst of her sheets. If she didn’t already have a migraine, she definitely has one now. She makes out the time on the bedside alarm clock and curses. The pounding continues, courtesy of none other than Pinoe. She yells, raspy voice and all, “I’ll meet you down there!”

 

Kelley swings her legs over the bed and stands up, or at least tries to. The ground in front of her doubles and she has to blink her vision steady before toppling over. She somehow manages to make it to the bathroom, only to take one look in the mirror and realize her t-shirt was inside out and backwards, like it was haphazardly thrown on. She tries to twist it around, but upon smelling a slightly funky odor (good god, was it dirty?), she decides to change into something entirely new.

 

Leaving the bathroom, she’s blinded by the sun once again and hit with the sound of her teammate’s footsteps trudging back and forth down the hall. Everything’s so bright. Everything’s so loud. She takes a step forward, feeling the straps of her bra or underwear or probably both tangled between her toes. She must’ve been tired last night. She bends down to pick up her clothes, stuffing them in her duffel, but when she looks up, her sight hones in on the two precariously placed items on her nightstand: a glass of water and a bottle of aspirin.

 

Kelley corrects herself. She must’ve been _drunk_ last night.

 

She silently thanks Becky for her small act of kindness and walks over, pops a few pills in her mouth and downs the glass in one go. She grabs her card key and heads down to the conference room where breakfast was held. She only trips once.

 

As soon as she opens the door, her ears ring with all sorts of noises- more footsteps, chatter, and forks clinking plates. She manages to spot an open seat at the nearest table and pulls out the chair, immediately laying her head on the table in defeat.

 

“Good morning, sunshine!” Pinoe’s eyes shine with mischief as she greet her in a sing-song tone.  

 

“I hate you.” Kelley mumbles into the table cloth.

 

“How much did you have?”

 

Kelley finally lifts her head, looking incredulously across the table. She responds to Becky. “How am I supposed to know?”

 

Alex snorts, recalling the first hour of their night out. “Three beers and two tequila shots, for starters.”

 

“For starters?! No way!” Pinoe’s eyes almost pop out of their sockets. “You’re my hero, O’Hara!” She dramatically bows down to her.

 

Kelley shoots her teammate a glare, “Okay, Pinoe, if you don’t want a pancake shoved in your face, I suggest you take it down a notch in volume…like to _this level_.” Her voice ends in a whisper. Turning to the rest of the group, she asks, “Why would you let me do this to myself?”

 

Allie takes her fork, pointing it back at her, “You know, in our defense, you’re the worse to keep track of. You’re like lightning fast! I don’t know, but it’s like you gain superpowers when you’re drunk.”

 

“Yeah, all three of us were on Kelley duty last night!” Alex gestures at herself, Allie, and Pinoe.

 

Emily chews with her mouth full, adding, “You lost her in like ten minutes.”

 

“Exactly.” Alex smirks.  

 

“Well, it’s not like you two were any help.” Pinoe speaks towards Becky and Emily. “If it weren’t for your whole karaoke debacle with Carli, we wouldn’t have needed to search for another bar. Honestly, that second place was poppin’!”

 

“Okay, first of all, stop trying to make poppin’ a thing. It hasn’t been a thing since, I don’t know, forever!” Becky argues loudly, and then continues, “And second of all, it was Carli’s fault!”

 

Before anyone else could get a word in, Carli interrupts from a few tables over. “It was not my fault!”

 

Everyone rolls their eyes and Kelley can’t help but laugh. She’s not surprised. She vaguely remembers Carli going one-on-one with the DJ. She shakes her head, “Damn, I haven’t been this hungover since college.” She watches as everyone’s brows raise in unison. She sighs, “Okay, fine, since the World Cup.”

 

“There you go, kid.” Becky pats her on the back.

 

Kelley glares in return as she gets up to get a plate of food. Nothing sounds appetizing, so she ends up with half a bowl of cheerios. She sits back down, taking a handful and throwing them in her mouth.

 

Emily breaks the silence, “So it’s been killing me, what did you two do last night?!” She earns a shove from Becky.

 

Kelley swallows, but her mouth is half full still. She turns around to make sure no one was behind her. “Two?”

 

“Yeah, you know, you and Hope.” Emily fills in the blank.

 

“Hope?!” Kelley exclaims, almost knocking over her bowl.

 

“Jesus, Kelley, shhh!” Becky hushes her, only to receive a blank stare from her fellow defender.

 

Pinoe smirks, “Well it’s not a secret they went back to the hotel alone last night. We all saw it.”

 

“Plus, she’s been staring over here all breakfast.” Allie adds. Alex nods beside her in agreement.

 

Kelley sneaks a quick look at the goalkeeper, who’s in mid conversation with Carli. She whispers, “So what happened?”

 

“That’s what we’re asking you!” Emily reminds her.

 

“I don’t remember!”

 

Becky sighs, the truth unfolding once she opens her mouth. “Look, you were too drunk to come with us to the second bar, and Hope was heading back to the hotel early, so we thought- well we might’ve convinced her- to take you back too. She said she’d take care of you- really, it’s Hope. She didn’t mind, and if she did, she would’ve said something. Seriously, you don’t remember anything?”

 

Kelley’s clearly lost. She tells them, “I think the operative word here is _drunk_. So no, of course I don’t remember every detail!”

 

“Damn, the details are the best part.” Emily whines. It takes everything in Kelley not to lunge across the table.

 

Kelley picks her brain, thinking really hard about the night before. “I left the hotel with Alex and Allie. I got a drink at the bar, there were some girls on the dance floor, I had another drink, uhm, oh you guys were playing pool, and then Carli started fighting with that DJ, and then it got really hot, so I left to…oh, go outside, and I saw Hope, and then she was getting into a taxi and….” Kelley’s voice trails into silence, memories flooding back (oh my god, the taxi).

 

She stands up suddenly, this time knocking over her bowl of cereal. There’s no time to think or make a decision other than to speak to Hope. There’s still large gaps in her memories, and she’s the only one who could remedy that. She knows she’ll regret it later, but she’s already hungover and might as well get this conversation out of the way.

 

Kelley sits down next to Hope, instantly harassing her with questions. “What happened?”

 

“Good morning to you, too.” Hope continues to pick at the last bit of food on her plate.

 

“What happened?” Kelley repeats. She needs to know.

 

“Is the aspirin helping?”

 

“That was you?” Kelley’s eyes widen, “You were in my room?”

 

“Aw, thanks Hope for taking such good care of me last night.” Hope shrugs. “What are you going to do, tell Jill?”

 

“Is this funny to you?” Kelley is appalled at Hope’s nonchalant behavior. “What did _we_ do, Hope? I know you know what happened. You’re too old to get drunk.”

 

“No thank you and now an insult? You’re bold this morning.” Hope masks her hesitation. She realizes she’s being a lot harsher than necessary, and unfair, so she sighs, “Kelley, you’re still drunk.”

 

“No, I’m hungover, which means I’m one step closer to being sober.” Kelley corrects, and adds, “It also means I don’t have time for this bullshit.”

 

Hope explains, her tone softening, “Look, I just think we should save this for another time…maybe when we’re both fully coherent, not in the middle of breakfast, and surrounded by the entire team.” Hope likes her privacy, and she knows Kelley does too.

 

“We slept together, didn’t we?” Kelley bluntly concludes. Carli nearly chokes and Hope feels pairs of eyes turn on them from all over the room. It’s like they were being studied under a microscope.

 

Hope huffs loudly in annoyance, murmuring, “Well I was basically done with breakfast, anyways.” Before her cheeks can redden anymore, she stands up, grabs Kelley’s arm, and guides her out of the nearest exit. They stand face to face in the nook of a hallway. Hope remains quiet. Kelley had started the conversation, so it was only fitting for her to continue it.

 

“Tell me everything.”

 

Hope’s stupid to think that Kelley would let her go easily. She thought she’d have more time to wrap her head around things before this. She truly doesn’t regret anything, but Kelley doesn’t need to know that. If they truly valued their friendship, then the best thing they could do was forget about what happened. But still, Kelley deserved the truth. Hope begins to recount the night before.

 

“I was heading back early because I was tired. I was waiting outside for my ride when you showed up. We talked for a bit, you reeked of alcohol, and I was dumb enough to get persuaded to take you back. But whatever, I’m your teammate and friend, and that’s what friends do, they take care of each other. It wasn’t that big of a deal until we got into the taxi and well…I don’t know, you just…” Hope pauses, trying to hint to Kelley what followed after. The younger woman stands her ground, leaving Hope no choice to finish. “You were halfway outside the window at one point and then you kept touching things, mostly me, and saying things…and well, we got back to the hotel…” Hope sighs, “You really don’t remember?”

 

“I need to hear it from you.” Kelley replies bravely. Deep down, she already knew how the night ended.

 

“I was trying to undress you- you managed to get your arms stuck in your shirt- and well, I couldn’t find a clean shirt for you to wear…I don’t know, I really was just trying to help you and get you into bed- well you know what I mean…” Hope’s not sure why this is so hard for her. It just happened. She looks Kelley straight into the eye, admitting, “It wasn’t like that…until it became exactly _that_.”

 

“Fuck, Hope...just stop talking.” Kelley interrupts, not wanting to hear another word. She doesn’t need further explanation. She closes her eyes for a moment and takes a deep breath. “I remember.”

 

Hope waits. She waits for Kelley to acknowledge her, to say anything that would remotely give her an idea of what was running through her mind. It’s not long before Kelley’s eyes lock her in.

 

“I was drunk!”

 

“I know, I know. I’m sorry.” Hope begins to apologize profusely, even if she really isn’t sorry about what they had done. “I shouldn’t have gone in the room with you, or take you home for that matter. We shouldn’t have been alone.”

 

“I…I didn’t know what I was doing!” Kelley stresses in disbelief.

 

Panic flashes across Hope’s face. She didn’t want Kelley thinking the wrong idea. She reaffirms, “Hey, I would never take advantage of you-”

 

“I know.” Kelley immediately cuts her off, repeating quietly. “I know you wouldn’t. I’m not saying that you ever would…it’s okay.” A weak smile forms on her lips. “I’m sure I didn’t make it easy for you.”

 

Hope matches Kelley’s expression, a soft chuckle escaping her. “No, you definitely did not.”

 

Both of them look like they’d rather talk about absolutely anything else, but the remaining conversation is inevitable. Kelley’s brave enough to speak first. She speaks so softly, she’s not sure that Hope can even catch what she asks. “Where does this leave us?”

 

“It never happened.” Hope won’t sugarcoat her answer. She can’t lead Kelley, or herself, into believing that this was a good thing. At the end of the day, it was a mistake.

 

A part of Kelley wishes that Hope’s response was different. She knows their split had been amicable, but she always liked to think that maybe they were just on a break. Even with Hope married now, Kelley can’t help but wonder if the older woman still felt anything- anything at all- for her (the answer lies in the bed sheets from the night before). She had hoped, years ago, that they’d get the chance to talk about things more, that she herself could tell Hope that she was so done being on a break. Now is her only chance.

 

“What if I don’t want to forget?” Kelley asks. She takes a step closer, purposely invading Hope’s personal space. She tells her honestly, “I’m not like you, Hope. I don’t do this. I don’t do one night stands.”

 

“I care about you, Kelley. I wouldn’t treat you like dirt, like you meant nothing to me. What happened last night was not a one night stand!” Hope pleads.

 

“Well it sure looked like one when I woke up this morning!”

 

“It wasn’t, okay? We both know it wasn’t…because there’s something between us.” Hope finally admits, taking Kelley by surprise. She never expected Hope to be so open. Things had changed. “There always has been, always will be. But we already agreed, Kell. We’re not meant to take this any further than it already has gone. We already tried years ago.”

 

“We didn’t try hard enough.” Kelley’s tone is full of frustration. It isn’t fair. She moves even closer, persuading Hope by the touch of her hand upon hers.

 

Hope immediately takes a step back, her head hung low. Her voice lowers in warning. “Don’t make me do this again, _please_.”

 

“I just want to go back, Hope.” Kelley is desperate. “If I could, I would it all over again. I would do it right.”

 

“I care _so much_ about you…you don’t even know.” Hope’s voice cracks with a kind of love that pervades everywhere and everything. “But look at where we are now. It’s better this way. I’m happy- and don’t tell me I’m not because I am, okay? I’m…content.” Hope is more than aware that word has an entirely different meaning, but she doesn’t have the energy to correct it. It is what it is.

 

“I’m happy…that you’re happy.” Kelley slowly begins to cave. She never intended for them to fight. They were done with all that; they had grown. Yet, she’s not very convinced.

 

“Just let us go, alright?” Hope places her hands on Kelley’s shoulders, rubbing up and down her arms in a poor attempt to comfort her (it really just makes it worse). A lone tear escapes Kelley’s eyes, but no matter how fast she wipes it away, the trail that it leaves behind forever etches itself in Hope’s memory. Hope immediately removes her hands. “Last night was a mistake- my mistake. I won’t ever put us in this position again. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have agreed to take you home. This is on me.”

 

Kelley finally sees regret fill Hope’s eyes. It pains her even more, but she remembers that she’s done this once before, and she could do it again. She tells her, “Stop taking responsibility for me. This is on me, too.”

 

Hope nods slowly in agreement. “So we’re okay now?” She sticks her hand out, and it hangs awkwardly. Kelley looks down at her gesture and she opens her mouth to reply, but nothing comes out. She can’t believe this; this isn’t how they do things (a handshake, really?). But Hope reads her mind as usual and before she can make another move, she hears a heavy sigh and feels strong arms wrap around her tightly.

 

Hope whispers into her hair, “Never mind, just come here.” Kelley buries herself in the comfort of Hope’s chest because that’s all she’s ever known and how dare Hope ask her that question when she already knows what she’ll say.  

_(No, we aren’t okay)_

 


	7. guiding light

**guiding light // foy vance**

_when i need to get home, you’re my guiding light_

Hope turns the final page of her book and reaches for the box of tissues on her nightstand. It’s the third sappy romance novel she’s finished over the last month, and she’s not sure if all the crying is from embarrassment over this newfound guilty pleasure or from her hormones being wildly imbalanced. Probably the latter (she’ll never admit that she cried over Nicholas Sparks). She wipes her tears away, rests her hands gently on her round bump, and closes her eyes. Not even five minutes goes by and she’s already agitated. She huffs in annoyance, not because she’s actually tired and wants the rest but because she’s so done with being confined to her bed since the start of her last trimester.

 

 _Bang_.

 

Hope’s eyes open. She lifts her head towards the noise.

 

_Bang. Bang._

 

Hope frowns, swinging her legs over the side of the bed. She pushes against the mattress for support and slowly stands up. She leaves the bedroom, but stops halfway down the hall when she hears Kelley’s voice.

 

_“Why are there three holes and just two nails? That makes no sense. Did I lose a nail? I swear I was careful opening all the packages.”_

_Bang. Bang. Bang._

Hope hears Kelley’s voice turn into a whine.

 

_“Dad, I don’t understand. I don’t know how to do this. Yeah…yep, I did that…I don’t know? No, it’s okay…Dad, I said it’s fine. I don’t need you to come. I’m going to figure this out myself. I can do it…okay, okay, I will. Yeah, love you too. Bye.”_

Hope finally appears in the entry way of their soon to be baby’s nursery. Kelley’s in the middle of the room holding a hammer in one hand and her cell phone in the other, completely surrounded by empty plastic bags, pieces of wood, and a tool box. Hope lets out a small chuckle, “Hey.”

 

“Hey.” Kelley murmurs back, still occupied by the instruction pamphlet at her feet. It takes a few moments until her head snaps up towards Hope. “Hey! You’re supposed to be in bed.”

 

“I couldn’t sleep.” Hope shrugs, folding her arms and leaning against the doorframe.

 

Kelley’s expression softens, “Am I being too loud? I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you up.”

 

“No, no, I couldn’t even fall asleep in the first place.” Hope grumbles, “No surprise there.” She begins to settle down on one of the many unopened boxes in the corner of the room.

 

“Whoa, what are you doing?” Kelley lays down the hammer, lunging towards Hope as if she were some delicate work of art.

 

“What?” Hope frowns, finally settling into a sitting position.

 

“You’re supposed to be in bed.” Kelley gently repeats.

 

“Kelley, I’m going to go insane if I spend another hour in our room. I’ve been there all day!” Hope lets out an uncharacteristic whine.

 

Kelley notices Hope’s eyes round with plea and she shakes her head, “Don’t give me that look. It’s doctor’s orders.”

 

“So?”

 

“So that means we have to follow the rules, Hope.”

 

“Oh so now you care about the rules?” Hope snorts, leaning against the wall behind her.

 

“I follow rules!” Kelley retorts in offense. She eventually corrects herself, “I…I just…find loop holes, that’s all.”

 

Hope shrugs, “Okay, well, I’m just watching you. I’m not walking around; I’m _technically_ resting.”

 

“Hope…” Kelley says with warning.

 

“Did I mention you look sexy with that hammer in your hands?” Hope cheekily responds.

 

Kelley feels her cheeks fill with color. She playfully picks up the hammer and points it at her wife, “Fine, just don’t move. I’m watching you.” She smiles, returning to the messy pile before her. Hope spends the next half hour sticking to her word. She watches Kelley fiddle with piece after piece, build something, take it apart, and rebuild it all over again.  

 

_Damn._

_Shit._

_Fuck._

Hope interrupts, an exaggerated look of horror on her face. “There’s a little one in the room, you know.” She motions to her baby bump.

 

Kelley looks up from position on the floor. She glares, her bun falling out of place. “Well tell that little one chose the most impossible crib to build.”

 

“She? If I recall correctly, it was one of her mommies who just _had_ to have the newest and most expensive model, the one that rocks back and forth, and is made of top notch imported wood.”

 

Kelley groans, “You know I can’t settle for anything less when it comes to you and our baby girl.” She returns to the haphazard looking piece of furniture at her feet. She kicks some pieces around with her feet and shakes the instructions, “Fuck IKEA!”

 

“Kelley! Language, seriously.” Hope scolds, covering her belly with her hands as if it were to help.

 

“I know, I know, it’s just this one stupid step.” Kelley begins to mumble to herself as she moves pieces around the room, “Okay, that goes there…and that goes over there, but why would that go _there_?”

 

Hope laughs, slowly standing up. She wanders towards Kelley and snatches the instructions out of her hands. “Let me see this.”

 

“Hey!” Kelley snatches the pamphlet back. “You said you were just going to watch!”

 

“You need help.” Hope reasons simply.

 

“You need to be in bed.” Kelley counters. She lets out a sigh as her expression falls, “I’m supposed to do this. This is, like, my only job. You’re growing a child in you and I can’t even follow directions.”

 

“I told you I was willing to help, babe.” Hope offers again, taking a couple steps closer.

 

Kelley instantly guides Hope back to the corner of the room where she had been sitting. She instructs quietly, “Sit down.”

 

“I’m going to help you.” Hope’s adamant in getting her way. She suggests, “Just let me have a look at the directions.”

 

“No, I can do this by myself!” Kelley exclaims, returning to the pile of pieces still untouched. Already flustered, she somehow trips over a couple tools, stumbling forward a couple steps. Hope can’t help but laugh, earning another glare from Kelley.

 

“If you weren’t so cute when you’re frustrated, I’d be upset that it’s less than a month from my due date and the crib isn’t done yet.” Hope chuckles.

 

“This isn’t funny!” Kelley pouts, muttering under her breath, “By the time I finish this crib, she’ll be old enough that she won’t even need it anymore. Stupid little nails and stupid little holes that the stupid little nails stupidly don’t fit.”

 

Hope grins, adding, “I love you, but tell me how I’m going to raise a child with a child. You’re going to leave me with everything else since you can’t even put together a crib.”  

 

Hope’s words sting a little. Kelley knows it isn’t intentional, but she feels helpless. She takes a deep breath and exits the room without another word. She hears Hope calling after her. She ignores her until she hears footsteps following behind. Turning around, she sighs, “Hope, please you really need to be off your feet.”

 

“Well you can’t just walk away from me like that. It’s not fair.” Hope tells her. She feels her own guilt arise and reaches for Kelley’s hand, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean for-”

 

“It’s okay.” Kelley interrupts, gently guiding Hope down the hallway and back to their room. “Come on, you need to lay down.”

 

Hope reluctantly gives in, lying down on the bed and resting her head on her pillow. When she notices Kelley handing her a blanket, she frowns, “You’re not staying?”

 

“I’ll be back.” Kelley replies.

 

“Kelley…” Hope notices Kelley’s subdued demeanor. She suddenly feels terrible for joking with Kelley; the younger woman is obviously more than upset about the crib. “I was joking. I’m sorry.”

 

“I just need some air, okay? Get some sleep. I’ll be home in a bit.” Kelley offers a small smile, kissing Hope’s forehead and leaving their room.

 

-

 

Later that evening, Hope awakes to Kelley gently whispering to her. She squints as Kelley comes into focus, groggily greeting, “Hey, where did you go?”

 

“Oh, I just walked to the store for some groceries.”

 

Hope looks out the window, noticing the sky darken. “What time is it?”

 

“It’s almost 7. I think you’re more exhausted than you think.”

 

“I guess.” Hope yawns, slowly sitting up. “You didn’t wait on me for dinner, did you?”

 

“I haven’t eaten yet, but I’m not really hungry.” Kelley admits, changing the subject quickly, “Come on, I have something to show you.” She holds her hand out and takes Hope’s hand, guiding her back to the nursery. Inside, everything is carefully in place- frames on the wall, the rocking chair in the corner, the bookshelf full of toys and books, the changing table to the side, and the finished crib at the opposite end of the room.

 

Hope’s at a loss for words, amazed by the completed nursery and allowing the fact that their family is truly growing sink in. She turns to the side where Kelley waits with hopeful eyes. “You did all this? How did you…but the crib…”

 

“I told you I could do it myself.” Kelley grins.

 

“But all of it? Kelley, this is a lot. Why didn’t you wake me up?” Hope tells her.

 

“Don’t worry about it, I wanted it to be a surprise.” Kelley enters the room, walking around it. “Okay, so picture this. You come here to comfort the baby after a nap and you can sit down in the rocking chair, which is placed next to the bookshelf. I know how much you like to read and that you’ll want to read to the baby too, so you can just easily grab a book from here. I also wanted the chair close to the window so that after you’re done reading, you can just enjoy the view of the backyard where I’ll be teaching our four year old how to dribble a ball. Can you see it now? It’ll be the perfect Sunday afternoon.”

 

Hope doesn’t know what to say. She shakes her head, still in disbelief, and smiles as she walks to Kelley, wrapping her arms around her. She whispers, “I love you, thank you.” She pulls away for a moment, her voice filling with seriousness. “Kelley, I hope you know that you’ll always be enough for me. I can’t even begin to describe what you’ve done for me, but all I know is that you’re all I need. I don’t need anything else, but you. Just you.” She leans down, kissing Kelley gently and bringing her close again. She jokes, “I didn’t know we were having two kids.”

 

“Minimum.” Kelley grins up at her.

 

“That’s really funny, Kel.”

 

“I’m being completely honest! I want a big family with you.” Kelley admits, sweetly intertwining their hands.

 

“Let’s revisit this conversation after this first one is born.” Hope suggests, holding Kelley close.

 

“Alright, fine.” Kelley compromises and then quietly says, “And since we’re on the topic of being completely honest…”

 

“Who built the crib?” Hope cuts to the chase, knowingly raising her brow.

 

Kelley relents, finally admitting, “My dad came over while you were asleep. Hey! You don’t have any faith in me do you?”

 

“Well if we’re being honest with each other, then yeah, I don’t.”

 

“Me neither.”

 

They look at each other for just one moment before they burst into the kind of laughter that fills the nursery and echoes throughout their home.


	8. all we'd ever need

**all we’d ever need // lady antebellum**

_i should’ve been chasing you_

_-_

 

Kelley never saw it coming.

 

She sits alone with her thoughts on the rooftop of their hotel. It doesn’t feel right, not one bit. She’d been so excited for camp, for much needed time together. But as soon as she walked in and locked eyes with Hope, she knew something was wrong. There was no smile, no hug, no sign of see you later; instead a guilt ridden gaze, a tug around the corner, and a deep breath.

 

_Are you okay?_

_We need to talk._

_You’re scaring me._

_I think we should end this._

_…_

_Kelley, I’m sorry. Say something? Please?_

_I don’t know what you want me to say._

_It’s not about what I want._

_I beg to differ._

_…_

_Is there anything I could do to make you change your mind?_

_No._

_Okay._

_Kelley-_

_Don’t say my name like that._

_…_

_I should go._

_That’s it?_

_You’ve made yourself clear._

_You don’t want to know the reason why?_

_No, I don’t._

_But why-_

_Because whatever reason you give me won’t be good enough._

_…_

_I don’t understand why; I probably won’t ever- and I’m not sure if I want to. But I do understand that this is how you feel. If you explain yourself, it’s only going to get more complicated- and I…I just don’t think I can handle that, not right now. So yeah, in some twisted way, I get this. I understand._

_…_

She had spoken the truth. Even now, after a whole day of processing what happened, she understands. There was absolutely nothing Hope could’ve said that would’ve made her feel better. Hope didn’t want to be together anymore and Kelley knew if she tried to fight it, she’d only make things worse for herself. She’d fight Hope and tell her that she didn’t want to lose her, that she was willing to work on their imperfections, that she loved her in all ways and always. Only then would Kelley realize that what they shared was in fact worth fighting for, and that alone would make everything all the more devastating.

 

The sun finally sets and the resulting darkness offers a chill. Kelley wraps herself further into her oversized hoodie and nearly jumps at the sound of a door swinging open. She’s not alone anymore, and she knows exactly who is the cause for that. Kelley’s head turns immediately and all it takes is Hope standing there for her to realize that she won’t be able to suppress her feelings forever. The tears flow with her emotions, but she brushes them away in an act of bravery and strength.

 

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be here.” Kelley straightens her clothes while standing up. She apologizes, sniffling, “I forgot, I’m sorry.”

 

“It’s okay.” Hope manages to get out, still stunned to find the rooftop occupied.

 

“No, it’s not.” Kelley shakes her head and gets ready to leave, making sure she’s not leaving anything behind. “This is your thing, not mine.”

 

“It was our thing.” Hope interjects, the truth stinging them both.

 

“ _Was_.” Kelley emphasizes. “It was our thing.” There’s a pause and Kelley already feels herself being suffocated by the silence, so she tells her, “You know what, I was just going to head back inside.”

 

“No, you don’t have to. This can be your thing too.” Hope weakly convinces. She’s normally alright with confrontation, but not with Kelley.

 

“Good night, Hope.”

 

Hope doesn’t even get the chance to response before Kelley can walk past her, head down and heart broken. She watches the door close behind her and suddenly there’s an empty pit in her stomach. She’s been ridden with guilt all day and now, at the one place where she clears her mind, she second guesses herself _(Did you make the right decision?)._

She sits alone with her thoughts on the rooftop of their hotel. It doesn’t feel right, not one bit. 

 

-

 

Hope keeps to herself for the rest of camp. She doesn’t normally participate in the team’s outings, so her behavior isn’t surprising to everyone. She spends her free time alone and when she’s not alone, she watches Kelley from afar. She watches Kelley spend extra time with the new players in camp, partly because she’s just a friendly person and partly because Hope knows the young ones are a good distraction. She watches Kelley outrun everyone during the beep test, working herself so hard that it almost appears that she’s punishing herself. She watches as Kelley walks into the room at breakfast, her eyes tired (from crying) and breaths heavy (from practicing her shots on goal before dawn). It’s a routine Kelley falls into when she’s upset and one that only Hope knows about.

 

It slowly kills Hope, the way Kelley tries to mask how miserable she is. She knows she should avoid Kelley, but keeping her eyes on the younger woman makes her feel like she’s sharing her pain. Hope knows it doesn’t have to be this way; it was her decision after all. But as camp comes to an end, Hope realizes that she’s not upset with her decision, she’s upset in Kelley’s response, or lack there of.

 

Why didn’t Kelley want a reason?

 

Because she was convinced that there’s simply not a reason- at least one that isn’t good enough.

 

So on the last day, Hope watches Kelley leave without a goodbye (not that she deserves one) and feels like crying for the first time that camp, and she hates to admit it but Kelley’s got her convinced too. 

 

_There was never a reason._

 

-

 

Weeks later, Kelley settles back into her apartment, savoring each second before season starts again. She uses the time to visit with family, but mostly to reenergize herself. She’s just beginning to sleep through the night again- that is, until she’s awaken one morning by excessive knocking at her door. She doesn’t believe her own eyes when she opens the door.

 

“Please listen to me.”

 

Kelley blinks, making sure that it was in fact Hope standing in front of her at the crack of dawn. She shakes her head slowly, placing her hand firmly against the door ready to close it. Her actions speak louder than words.

 

Hope quickly counters, pressing her own hand against the door. “No, wait. Just hear me out. Please, Kelley? I have your sweatshirt.”

 

“What? _My_ sweatshirt?” Kelley’s surprised. She gives Hope an incredulous look, not believing what had come out of her mouth. That wasn’t the answer she was expecting. When she doesn’t say anything else, Hope capitalizes on the opportunity to continue.

 

“Yeah, it was at my place. I’ve been doing some cleaning and I found it. Look, I know it’s not my responsibility anymore and I really shouldn’t be here, but this is your favorite sweatshirt. I know you can’t live without it and I know I could’ve just mailed it, but I thought I would bring it to you.”

 

“What are you doing here?” Kelley sighs, still avoiding eye contact.

 

“It’s your favorite sweatshirt.” Hope holds up the piece of clothing, like it were a peace offering.

 

“Hope.” Kelley’s voice is stern, her eyes full of warning.

 

“Okay, okay, I know, it’s really early.” Hope looks around nervously.

 

“It’s early?” Kelley says in disbelief, “Hope, you’re here in Atlanta!”

 

“Like I told you, I had to bring it to you. You never take this stupid thing off, so that’s how I know you won’t be able to live long without it.”

 

“That’s a bit extreme.” Kelley points out, but takes the sweatshirt into her own hands.

 

Hope tucks her arms into herself, letting out a small shiver. “Well are you going to let me in?”

 

Kelley’s hesitant at first and she wants to scoff at Hope’s tactic, but Atlanta was experiencing a cold front and it was freezing outside. She leaves the door ajar and walks back into her apartment and into the kitchen. Hope quietly lets her in and finds a place on the couch. Kelley comes out moments later, setting a mug on the table and handing a blanket to Hope. She mutters, “Here’s some coffee.”

 

“Thank you.” Hope cups the mug for warmth, taking a sip.

 

Kelley gets comfortable and curls up on the other end of the couch with her own cup of coffee, completely dumbfounded and still trying to process her surroundings. She just stares at Hope, not really knowing what else to expect.

 

“I know this is crazy.” Hope sighs.

 

“It is.” Kelley reaffirms, adding, “I don’t know why you’re here.”

 

“Your sweatshirt.”

 

“Well, thank you for returning it to me.” Kelley reaches over and pulls her sweatshirt over her head. She leans back, resting her head and closing her eyes. “Maybe I should rephrase this. I don’t know why _I’m_ allowing you here.” She frowns, “How did you even find my apartment?”

 

“I called your Dad.”

 

“Are you kidding me? He’s awake at this hour?”

 

“I think he just landed; it sounded like he was at an airport or something.”

 

“I’m his daughter and I don’t even know his schedule.”

 

“Well between you and me, I was clearly the favorite.”

 

“I’m his _daughter_.” Kelley repeats, breaking into a smile just thinking about how well they had all gotten alone.

 

Hope laughs quietly too. She takes a deep breath and finally asks, “Did we make the right decision?”

 

“You’re the one who flew cross country, so you tell me.”

 

Hope leans into the couch, turning to face Kelley and admitting, “I realize that me coming here unannounced is a little unfair, but-”

 

“A little?” Kelley scoffs at her remark. “I think you need to leave soon. I can’t do this, Hope. I can’t sit here and have coffee with you and get my hopes up if you’re just here on a whim.”

 

“This is not a whim.” Hope responds firmly.

 

“So your plan was always to break up with me only to get me back not even a month later?”

 

“No, no, I was so stupid.” Hope finally tells her. “I was just protecting you.”

 

“Seriously, Hope?” Kelley sits upright, flustered. “How in the world are you protecting me? I’m not sure if I’ll ever get over this. I was so stunned by your decision. I never saw that coming. You’ve made me think that I did something wrong. I exhausted myself in camp. I cried every night. Every morning, I-”

 

“I know.” Hope immediately interrupts, “I was there too.” She crawls towards Kelley, placing a hand on her knee. “I am so sorry. I know that doesn’t fix what I’ve done to you, but I need you to know that you were right. I never had a reason for this. I was scared, I guess. But I miss you, Kelley. I don’t like who I am without you.”

 

Kelley listens in silence, mostly distracted by Hope’s touch. She’s afraid of making a mistake by giving Hope a second chance, but she’s more afraid of never getting over her. She admits in a whisper, “Maybe I was trying to protect you too. I didn’t fight for us because I didn’t want to push you.”

 

“I never should’ve put you in that position in the first place.”

 

Kelley places a hand over Hope’s. “I can’t pick up where we left off, but I also can’t live without you. I’m willing to work through this, but I need to know that you’re at least going to try.”

 

Hope feels tears brim her eyes as Kelley graciously forgives her. She smiles, leaning her forehead against Kelley’s. Her voice is soft and earnest, “I’m going to do more than try. I’m going to be everything and more for you, Kelley.”

 

“Hm, I don’t know.” Kelley jokes. “You’ll have to outcompete this sweatshirt.”

 

“Whatever it takes.” Hope laughs, her heart already on the mend. She’s never known a love like this before and she never thought she herself would get to experience it.

 

Hope never saw it coming.

 


End file.
